The sign says pay by app. There's a machine right there. It's got a garbage bag over its head like it's being kidnapped.

No letter this week. This one's mine. I want somebody to tell me when leaving my car in a rectangle became a relationship. The dentist has a portal. Your kid's school has four apps. The menu is a sticker on the table and it wants to send you notifications.

The password that can't be one you've used before, and I've used them all. Pressing "I agree" to God knows what. Typing sixteen digits with a wet thumb while a guy in a pickup waits for your spot. The dollar ninety-nine convenience fee, and whose convenience that is exactly. "How was your parking experience?" It was a rectangle. Sal, the man in the booth who used to be the app. And the scammers putting fake QR stickers on parking machines, which works because the real ones already look like a scam.

And I'm in this one. I have an app. Every sponsor discount on this show lives in it. I could just say the code into the microphone. I'm not going to.

Then the part that actually gets me. Do all of that at seventy-five, with coins, holding a toonie up to a machine that hasn't had a slot in years. Next time you see her, don't point at the sign. Put her plate in your app. You already work there.

This episode is brought to you by Tommy Gun's Original Barbershop in Maple. Ten percent off your first visit: grab the code in the free BTC Magazine app (App Store or Google Play).

THE DAD DIARIES, my memoir, is out now. It's the story of how I became a father to my girls and everything it took to get there. Signed copies at thedaddiaries.com, also on Amazon and Indigo.

This is Joseph Tito, and I bitch so you don't have to.

Got a mess of your own? Send it to info@jeopublishing.com.

More at betweenthecoversmag.com, or read the magazine free in the BTC Magazine app, iOS and Android.

Bitch Fest is a Between the Covers production.

Nine years on social media. Two hundred thousand followers, mostly women, mostly moms, almost no gay men. Joseph has thoughts about that, and about the other seventy percent of what all of us do online.

The nail tapping. The "everyone's been asking" when nobody asked. The fit check nobody requested. The seven-part series about a brunch invitation. The grocery montage that takes more editors than a feature film. The motivational speech filmed in a parked Hyundai.

And the confession: he has walked into his own house more than once, because the first time he entered his own home it wasn't natural enough.

Underneath the roast, the actual point. Social media paid his bills and let him stay home with his girls when he was a single father, and he will never shit on that. What he hates is the moment the content becomes more important than the thing that was actually happening. Dinner can just be dinner.

This episode is sponsored by Glitz Jewellery, 2396 Major Mackenzie Drive, Unit 8, Vaughan. Ask for Lina. Fifteen percent off through the BTC Magazine app.

BOOK SIGNING: this Sunday, October 18, 2 to 4 PM at Hillcrest Mall in Richmond Hill. Joseph will be signing The Dad Diaries and reading a passage. Come say hi.

Joseph's memoir THE DAD DIARIES is out now, published by Cormorant Books. Signed copies at thedaddiaries.com, also on Amazon and Indigo.

Got a mess of your own? Send it to info@jeopublishing.com.

More at betweenthecoversmag.com, or read the magazine free in the BTC Magazine app, iOS and Android.

Bitch Fest is a Between the Covers production.

There's one at every school. She parks in the fire lane like it was built for her. Her daughter is an angel. Just ask her. In the office. At full volume.

Last week I asked you which moms you wanted roasted, and my DMs have never filled up that fast. So this week it's Brenda. Not one woman. A franchise. There's one in every plaza, like a Tim Hortons.

The four-minute voice notes that start with "I'm not trying to start anything." The second group chat, the real one. The birthday party that invited one twin, and the day I called a mother like a talent agent, with a rider. The concussion that turned out to be a brush, caught by the only school security camera in history that actually worked. What saved Brenda in the parking lot that day (it wasn't growth, it was a gummy). And what the school really means when it says "try to ignore her if you can."

And I'm in this one. I've been Brenda too. For about fifteen minutes. The difference is, I let the tape play.

Plus what to actually do if it's happening to your kid: write it down, ask the school what the plan is for the kid doing it, and when somebody tells you something about yours, say "okay, I'll talk to my daughter." Then actually do it.

This episode is brought to you by Jova Medical Aesthetics in London, Ontario. If you're in perimenopause or menopause, Dr. Alicia Smith treats hormone imbalance, and the consult is online. Your first consultation is free: grab the code in the free BTC Magazine app (App Store or Google Play) and give it to them when you book.

BOOK SIGNING: Sunday, October 18, 2 to 4 PM at Hillcrest Mall in Richmond Hill. I'll be signing The Dad Diaries and reading a passage. Richmond Hill, Aurora, Woodbridge, Oshawa, come say hi.

THE DAD DIARIES, my memoir, is out now. It's the story of how I became a father to my girls and everything it took to get there. Signed copies at thedaddiaries.com, also on Amazon and Indigo.

This is Joseph Tito, and I bitch so you don't have to.

Got a mess of your own? Send it to info@jeopublishing.com.

More at betweenthecoversmag.com, or read the magazine free in the BTC Magazine app, iOS and Android.

Bitch Fest is a Between the Covers production.