Are your friends really supporting you - or quietly holding you back?

In this episode of Here Comes The Sun, I’m joined by my friend Annalie Howling, author of Unapologetic, for a very honest conversation about female friendship, authenticity, growth and what happens when the people closest to us don't support the changes we make.

Annalie is a certified high-performance coach, EMDR specialist, trauma-informed practitioner and Certified Organisational Relationship Systems Coach, working with individuals, couples, teams and organisations.

Her book is about turning pain into power, letting go of shame and learning to choose yourself without apologising for who you are. She's also a fellow podcaster - Happy After Podcast offers stories about life after loss, betrayal and starting over.

We talk about our own friendship and some of the challenges women face when friendships evolve - particularly in midlife, when so much can change. But as Annalie is younger than me, we also explore why these challenges aren't confined to any particular age.

One question Annalie asks really stayed with me:

Is it support… or is it surveillance?

We talk about what happens when you change your career, relationship, lifestyle or simply become more yourself, and your friends aren't comfortable with it. How do you know when a friend is genuinely looking out for you and when they're trying to keep you where you're familiar to them?

We also talk about being authentic, letting go of the need to be liked by everyone and why we shouldn't have friendships where we have to pretend to be someone we're not.

Annalie shares some of her own powerful story, including experiences of abuse, estrangement from her parents, divorce, anxiety and self-harm, and how those experiences ultimately shaped the work she does today.

We talk about why crying isn't something we should be ashamed of, how we can begin to repair ourselves, and how we can help each other to heal and rebuild.

And, of course, we finish with a quick-fire round - because serious conversations need a few laughs too!

If you've ever questioned a friendship, felt unsupported by someone close to you, or wondered whether you can truly be yourself around the people in your life, this conversation is for you.

We're not broken. Sometimes we're simply becoming someone new.

Follow Annalie @annaliehowling and @happyafterpod

Follow me on Instagram for more science-backed tips, techniques and advice to help you live a happier and more fulfilled midlife: @elizabeth_hammond_msc

Follow me on Instagram for more science-backed tips, techniques and advice to help you live a happier and more fulfilled midlife: @elizabeth_hammond_msc

One of the reasons I created Here Comes the Sun was to help women.

To share stories.
To share information.
To make sense of some of the things we experience in midlife.

And even when the stories I share are difficult or emotional, I want you to leave each episode feeling uplifted, hopeful and positive about what’s possible.

Today’s episode is a follow-on from my previous conversation about self-awareness. If you haven't listened yet, please do, because, this episode, I’m assuming you’ve already started doing the work from the previous episode. By now you are becoming aware of your own tendencies and identifying those moments when you feel insecure, anxious, worried or stuck.

Once you've done this, you start to realise that so much of what you tell yourself every day is just your own internal script.

“I’m a worrier.”

“I can’t change.”

“I’m always late.”

“People always let me down.”

“I’m just not confident.”

“They don’t like me.”

Some of these beliefs and tendencies may have developed from our experiences and, at times, they may even be useful.

But others?

They’re simply patterns we’ve practised for a very long time.

And the most empowering part is that they don't have to stay that way forever. You can rewrite the script.

One of the techniques I talk about is changing the way we describe what we're experiencing.

Instead of: “I am anxious", try saying "I'm noticing anxiety" or instead of: "they don't like me", Try: I'm having the thought that they don't like me".

It sounds like a tiny change. But there is a difference between experiencing a thought or feeling and automatically treating it as a fact.

That little bit of distance can give you the opportunity to observe it rather than simply become it.

I also talk about meditation, breathwork and the physiological sigh, as well as using things like music, vision boards and mood boards to reinforce the mindset and identity you want to develop.

Because what you do a lot of, you get really good at (both positive and less positive).

And if you’ve spent years practising worry, insecurity or self-doubt, it makes sense that those states can feel familiar.

But you can begin practising something different.

A small change.
Every day.
Repeatedly.

And gradually, you can start creating a different roadmap for how you see yourself and how you respond to the world.

It’s your script. You don’t have to keep reading the same story. ☀️

Follow me on Instagram for more science-backed tips, techniques and advice to help you live a happier and more fulfilled midlife: @elizabeth_hammond_msc

We can usually tell you a lot about the people around us. What they like, how they behave, what makes them happy or angry. But when I ask my clients a much simpler question - “Who are you?” - around 70% or more struggle to answer.

What are your thoughts, feelings and emotional tendencies? What is the story you repeatedly tell yourself? What beliefs are quietly shaping the way you behave and the life you are creating?

In this solo episode, I explore why we often spend so much time looking out at the world and so little time looking in, and why self-awareness may be one of the most powerful tools we have for change.

I explain how our early experiences, childhood and environment can help create the foundations of our beliefs and behaviours. Some of these foundations may be uneven, but that doesn't mean they are permanent. Once you become aware of a pattern, you can question it, decide whether it still serves you, and begin to change it.

From meditation and music to journalling, mindfulness and other emerging approaches such as neurofeedback and medically supervised psychedelic therapies, there are many ways to begin changing the patterns that have shaped us.

I always try and take my own advice of course, and have completed meditation training, including during my two @drjoedispenza retreats, and am trying medically supervised psychedelics soon so watch this space for my review of that!

Importantly, the thing to remember is that you are not your thoughts. You are not your beliefs. And you are not stuck with either.

Self-awareness is vital and change comes with practice, repetition and time. It is entirely possible though, and I can help you to take the first step.

Because, sometimes, the most powerful question you can ask yourself is simply:

“Why do I think, feel and behave the way I do?”

Follow me on Instagram for more science-backed tips, techniques and advice to help you live a happier and more fulfilled midlife: @elizabeth_hammond_msc

Welcome to Here Comes the Sun.

In this very first episode, I open up about the experiences that shaped me, why I created this podcast, and what I hope it can offer women navigating midlife and beyond.

I share my personal story of childhood trauma, loss and uncertainty - including the sudden death of my mother when I was just four, the disappearance of my older sister, the loss of my brother, and the impact those experiences had on the woman I have become.

For years, I dealt with pain by doing what I knew best: working harder, achieving more and keeping busy. From a high-powered career in the City to becoming a coach and eventually studying applied neuroscience at King’s College London, my journey has been one of continually trying to understand myself, my experiences and, ultimately, the human brain.

But this isn't an episode about being defined by trauma.

It's about what happens when we begin to understand that our brains can change, that our emotional states aren't necessarily fixed, and that we can learn new ways of responding to the things life throws at us.

I truly believe that difficult experiences don't have to define our future. in Here Comes the Sun you can expect accessible neuroscience, practical tools and techniques, conversations with women who have lived through extraordinary experiences, honest stories, exercise, habits, mindset, wellbeing - and plenty of humour along the way.

This is a podcast about midlife, but it isn't about slowing down or looking backwards.

It's about what comes next.

Here Comes the Sun.

Follow me on Instagram for more science-backed tips, techniques and advice to help you live a happier and more fulfilled midlife: @elizabeth_hammond_msc