Are your friends really supporting you - or quietly holding you back?

In this episode of Here Comes The Sun, I’m joined by my friend Annalie Howling, author of Unapologetic, for a very honest conversation about female friendship, authenticity, growth and what happens when the people closest to us don't support the changes we make.

Annalie is a certified high-performance coach, EMDR specialist, trauma-informed practitioner and Certified Organisational Relationship Systems Coach, working with individuals, couples, teams and organisations.

Her book is about turning pain into power, letting go of shame and learning to choose yourself without apologising for who you are. She's also a fellow podcaster - Happy After Podcast offers stories about life after loss, betrayal and starting over.

We talk about our own friendship and some of the challenges women face when friendships evolve - particularly in midlife, when so much can change. But as Annalie is younger than me, we also explore why these challenges aren't confined to any particular age.

One question Annalie asks really stayed with me:

Is it support… or is it surveillance?

We talk about what happens when you change your career, relationship, lifestyle or simply become more yourself, and your friends aren't comfortable with it. How do you know when a friend is genuinely looking out for you and when they're trying to keep you where you're familiar to them?

We also talk about being authentic, letting go of the need to be liked by everyone and why we shouldn't have friendships where we have to pretend to be someone we're not.

Annalie shares some of her own powerful story, including experiences of abuse, estrangement from her parents, divorce, anxiety and self-harm, and how those experiences ultimately shaped the work she does today.

We talk about why crying isn't something we should be ashamed of, how we can begin to repair ourselves, and how we can help each other to heal and rebuild.

And, of course, we finish with a quick-fire round - because serious conversations need a few laughs too!

If you've ever questioned a friendship, felt unsupported by someone close to you, or wondered whether you can truly be yourself around the people in your life, this conversation is for you.

We're not broken. Sometimes we're simply becoming someone new.

Follow Annalie @annaliehowling and @happyafterpod

Follow me on Instagram for more science-backed tips, techniques and advice to help you live a happier and more fulfilled midlife: @elizabeth_hammond_msc

Follow me on Instagram for more science-backed tips, techniques and advice to help you live a happier and more fulfilled midlife: @elizabeth_hammond_msc

One of the reasons I created Here Comes the Sun was to help women.

To share stories.
To share information.
To make sense of some of the things we experience in midlife.

And even when the stories I share are difficult or emotional, I want you to leave each episode feeling uplifted, hopeful and positive about what’s possible.

Today’s episode is a follow-on from my previous conversation about self-awareness. If you haven't listened yet, please do, because, this episode, I’m assuming you’ve already started doing the work from the previous episode. By now you are becoming aware of your own tendencies and identifying those moments when you feel insecure, anxious, worried or stuck.

Once you've done this, you start to realise that so much of what you tell yourself every day is just your own internal script.

“I’m a worrier.”

“I can’t change.”

“I’m always late.”

“People always let me down.”

“I’m just not confident.”

“They don’t like me.”

Some of these beliefs and tendencies may have developed from our experiences and, at times, they may even be useful.

But others?

They’re simply patterns we’ve practised for a very long time.

And the most empowering part is that they don't have to stay that way forever. You can rewrite the script.

One of the techniques I talk about is changing the way we describe what we're experiencing.

Instead of: “I am anxious", try saying "I'm noticing anxiety" or instead of: "they don't like me", Try: I'm having the thought that they don't like me".

It sounds like a tiny change. But there is a difference between experiencing a thought or feeling and automatically treating it as a fact.

That little bit of distance can give you the opportunity to observe it rather than simply become it.

I also talk about meditation, breathwork and the physiological sigh, as well as using things like music, vision boards and mood boards to reinforce the mindset and identity you want to develop.

Because what you do a lot of, you get really good at (both positive and less positive).

And if you’ve spent years practising worry, insecurity or self-doubt, it makes sense that those states can feel familiar.

But you can begin practising something different.

A small change.
Every day.
Repeatedly.

And gradually, you can start creating a different roadmap for how you see yourself and how you respond to the world.

It’s your script. You don’t have to keep reading the same story. ☀️

Follow me on Instagram for more science-backed tips, techniques and advice to help you live a happier and more fulfilled midlife: @elizabeth_hammond_msc