Pt. 1 | Aleksandra Alavanja, Domestic Violence Advocate: "I Spent 20 Years Protecting Women. Then It Happened To Me."

Content warning: This episode discusses domestic and family violence, pregnancy loss and suicidal thoughts. Please look after yourself.

Some conversations our families never had out loud. This is one of them.

In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, Ivana sits down with Aleksandra Alavanja, a mother of three, domestic and family violence advocate, criminologist and restorative justice facilitator, with more than 20 years in criminal justice reform and crime prevention.

Before the titles, there was little Aleksandra. Born in Dandenong to a father from Dalmacija and a mother from Ohrid, she grew up Yugoslav in 1980s Melbourne, watching her dad scrub "wog go home" off the family fence. As the eldest daughter, she was also her parents' interpreter. She met her husband at 17, ticked every box, and built a career supporting women experiencing violence, without ever seeing the parallels in her own life.

Aleksandra and Ivana talk about the good girl conditioning so many Balkan daughters carry, the shame of "šta će reći ljudi," the low bar we set for men, and the invisible load women carry at home. Aleksandra opens up about pregnancy loss, unspoken grief, burnout, and how abuse can start slowly and quietly before it escalates.

In this episode:

• Growing up Yugoslav in 1980s Melbourne
• Being the eldest daughter, the interpreter and the good girl
• Her first work in domestic violence, and how the law has changed
• Why our communities make excuses for men's behaviour
• "Everyone wants a village, nobody wants to be a villager"
• Working with faith leaders on violence prevention
• Pregnancy loss and the silence around it
• Early red flags: jealousy, control and "why aren't you home?"
• Why nothing a woman does ever justifies violence

In Part 2, Aleksandra shares what happened, why she stayed, how she and her husband got help, and what early intervention can look like.

Connect with Aleksandra:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aleksalavanja23/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aleksandra-alavanja-b15a4b43/
Aleksandra on SBS Serbian: https://www.sbs.com.au/language/serbian/en/podcast-episode/special-lessons-for-religious-leaders-from-multicultural-communities-to-tackle-domestic-violence/wnnkvp1rv

Support Aleksandra's Walk for WAGEC:
WAGEC supports around 200 women and children escaping violence every night: https://www.walkforwagec.org.au/sponsor?kw=aleksandraalavanja

Support in Australia:
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 (text 0458 737 732)
Emergency: 000
Lifeline: 13 11 14
NSW Domestic Violence Line: 1800 656 463
QLD DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811
VIC Safe Steps: 1800 015 188
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800
eSafety Commissioner: esafety.gov.au
Interpreters (TIS): 131 450

For men:
Men's Referral Service (for men worried about their own behaviour): 1300 766 491
MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78
QLD DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636
Read: She Is Not Your Rehab by Matt Brown

Men who want to be better:
Dario Strbac, Gold Coast trainer and facilitator, works online and in person with men who want to become better versions of themselves, physically and mentally. https://www.instagram.com/dariostrbac_/

Overseas:
Europe emergency: 112
Croatia: 116 006
Serbia: 0800 222 003
Bosnia and Herzegovina: 1265 / 1264
Montenegro: 080 111 111
North Macedonia: 070 141 700
Austria: 0800 222 555
Germany: 116 016
UK: 0808 2000 247
USA: 1-800-799-7233
NZ: 0800 456 450

Disclaimer: This episode is for general information and education only and is not legal, medical or professional advice. Personal experiences shared are the guest's own. Views expressed are those of the speakers and do not represent any organisation they work for. No individuals are named or intended to be identified. If you or someone you know is in danger, call emergency services immediately.

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What We Carry: War Photographer Mark Milstein on Vukovar, Sarajevo, and the War That Never Really Leaves

AI and technology get a lot of bad press, so this week I wanted to share a story that softens some of that.

On June 17th, 1993, behind Sarajevo's main train station, photojournalist Mark Milstein photographed a young man moments after he was hit by sniper fire. A soldier ran through gunfire, pulled a door off its hinges, and with a passer-by carried the wounded man to safety. Thirty-three years later, a stranger found those photos online, used ChatGPT to trace them back to Mark, and messaged him on LinkedIn: "The man in these photos is my cousin. He is still alive, and he would like to speak with you."

Mark takes us from his grandparents' newsstand in Jersey City to a two-week holiday in 1991 that took him to Vukovar and turned into eleven years as a war photographer, covering more than 20 conflicts. He shares almost two years living with Dr. Nada Bojanić's family in Sarajevo, burning books to stay warm and singing by candlelight, along with "Maybe Airlines," nearly losing his foot near Karlovac, and the story behind his photograph of Admira and Boško.

This one is deeply personal for me. I was born in Bosnia, and I'm still trying to understand what the war did to me, my family and so many of us. This conversation is a piece of that puzzle.

Gentle note: this episode discusses war, death and trauma. Please listen when you're in a safe space, and reach out to someone you trust if it brings things up.

IN THIS EPISODE

• How a journalist about to be fired became a war photographer in Vukovar
• Getting stranded in Sarajevo with no ride out, no film and no plan
• Life under siege: the black market, burning books for warmth, and "the worst camping trip you were ever on"
• Living with Dr. Nada Bojanić's family and the dark humour that kept everyone human
• Nearly losing his foot in 1994, and walking again
• The story behind the photograph of Admira and Boško
• The LinkedIn message, and speaking with the soldier and the man who was shot, 33 years later
• How the war lives on in our families, from short tempers to the stories passed down to our children
• What the people of the former Yugoslavia taught him, and his one word for them: thank you

STANDOUT QUOTES
"The camera is the tool, but my ultimate job is as an educator."
"That protection sits between this ear and that ear."
"I have to only say one word to people who I came into contact with: thank you. Because without you, I wouldn't be who I am."

ABOUT MARK
Mark Milstein is an American photojournalist who has worked in more than 60 countries, covering over 20 conflicts from 1991 to 2000, including more than four years in Croatia, Bosnia and Serbia. His work has appeared in Time, Newsweek and The New York Times. He later founded Red Dot and Northfoto, and today works at the intersection of photography and AI.

CONNECT WITH MARK
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/conflictphotos/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mark-milstein-60aba53/
Sarajevo photos: https://www.sniperalley.photo/photographers/mark-h-milstein.html
If you think you or your family appear in his photos, please reach out to him.

CONNECT WITH IVANA & BALKAN SIS
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ivanastrbacalfonso/
Balkan Sis: https://www.instagram.com/balkansispodcast/

This episode is dedicated to everyone who made it through, and in memory of all those who didn't.

If this one moved you, please share it with a Balkan sister or brother, and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It genuinely helps more of us find each other.

"Be Strong": The Lie Every Diaspora Kid Was Raised On | Growing Up Balkan with Frankie

What was it really like growing up in the Balkans in the '80s and '90s? In this flashback episode, recorded in 2022, I sit down with my OG Balkan Sis and best friend since primary school, Frankie, to go back to where it all began: how we were raised, and how that childhood still shows up in who we are today.

Frankie takes us from Trogir and Sarajevo to fleeing at the start of the war, then Zagreb, Australia and back again. She walked herself to kindergarten at five, and at her First Communion her mum (determined she'd "be different") sent her out in a white dress, a buzz cut and bright orange shoes. I share my village childhood in Bosnia: grandparents upstairs, homemade everything, all the kids crammed in one room while the adults ate, and a whole village with permission to raise (and discipline) you.

We laugh, we cringe, and we get honest about the harder parts too: strict parenting, zero communication, double standards between girls and boys, parents parenting from survival mode, and why so many of us carry complicated family relationships into adulthood.

Before we jump in, I share a little catch-up: a hectic few months, the podcasts I've been a guest on, why your story is worth sharing even when it feels scary, and what's next, including my book, At Baba and Dida's House.

IN THIS EPISODE

• Why your story is worth sharing
• Fleeing at the start of the war and being held at the border for three days
• Walking alone to kindergarten at five
• The First Communion photo: buzz cut, braces, white dress and orange shoes
• A mum who said "you don't have to get married or have kids"
• Nonna making you "hold the figa" on the way to church
• Playing outside until someone yelled "Ručak!" from the balcony
• Kids shut in one room while the adults socialised, then eating the leftovers
• Kids as their parents' "postcard," and a village where anyone could tell you off
• Double standards between how girls and boys were raised
• How the war froze progress, and parents parenting from trauma
• "Do as I say, not as I do"
• Becoming expert people-readers as kids
• Why "being strong" costs us later in life
• What we're keeping from our culture, and what we're leaving behind

STANDOUT QUOTES
"You were your parents' representation. If you misbehaved in the community, you looked bad on your parents."
"Being strong is viewed as this amazing thing, but you pay for it later on in life."
"We're taking bits we like and leaving things we don't like, because we have the bravery to do that now."

ABOUT FRANKIE
Frankie is my best friend since primary school and a much-loved returning voice on Balkan Sis. She lives in Zagreb, Croatia, where she runs Equilibrium Yoga Hub, a holistic studio offering yoga, Pilates, prenatal and postpartum programs, meditation, breathwork and sound baths, mostly as live virtual classes.

CONNECT WITH FRANKIE
Instagram: @eyogahub
Website: https://www.eyogahub.com
All links: https://linktr.ee/eyogahub

LISTEN TO ME ON REALNO SA DRITOM HAZIRAJ (in Croatian)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-g6plxWEZg

CONNECT WITH ME
Instagram: @ivanastrbacalfonso
Balkan Sis: @balkansispodcast

Got a hilarious (or slightly traumatic) Balkan childhood moment? Jump into the DMs at @balkansispodcast and tell us. If this one took you back, send it to your Balkan sister or cousin who'll get it, and leave a review. It genuinely helps more of us find each other.

Pt. 2: "We'll Talk About Our Dreams, Never Our Feelings"Verone Percuku on Her Thesis, Sleep Hygiene, and Why the Balkans Fear Therapy

Part two with Verone goes deeper into her actual thesis, Psychological and Cultural Dimensions of Dreams in the Balkans, why she chose the region, what the small Kosovo-based sample revealed, and why she's careful never to overclaim from a study this size. The dominant themes that came through were control, helplessness and social disorder rather than individual anxiety.

We widen out into something every Balkan household will recognise, why people will happily chat about a strange dream over coffee, but the second you mention therapy, it's treated like an admission of being "crazy." Verone breaks down the stigma still sitting over mental health in Kosovo, why dreams feel safe to talk about and feelings don't.

We also get practical: sleep hygiene, screen time, imagery rehearsal, and simple tools for remembering your dreams without needing a psychology degree. I share my mum's story of waking at 4am every morning for years without knowing why, until therapy connected it back to the exact time she fled during the war, and Verone unpacks what's actually happening there without romanticising "the body keeps the score." We close on where this research goes next, what her parents make of it all, and what she wants listeners to walk away with.

• ​Why Verone chose the Balkans for her thesis, sparked by a breakfast conversation with researchers from Serbia
• ​Limitations of a small, mostly Kosovo-based sample, and why she avoids overclaiming from it
• ​Dominant themes in the data: control, helplessness and social disorder, not individual anxiety
• ​Why so many participants dropped off just trying to remember and log their dreams
• ​Ivana's mum waking at 4am for years, and how therapy linked it to the exact time the family fled during the war
• ​Why "the body keeps the score" is a good starting point but not the full picture
• ​How ongoing hardship and financial stress shape dreaming, not just single traumatic events
• ​Practical tools for better sleep and dream recall: journaling, voice notes, imagery rehearsal, less screen time before bed
• ​Why some people struggle to fall asleep at all, and why sleep issues deserve individual, professional attention
• ​Why people will talk about a strange dream over coffee, but therapy still carries deep stigma
• ​The disconnect between being open about dreams and resistant to talking about feelings directly
• ​What her parents made of her research, and explaining that psychology wasn't going to look like a private clinic
• ​Where she sees this work going next, and her hopes for mental health in Kosovo
• ​What she wants listeners to take away: get curious about your inner world, and don't fear an unconventional path

"The body's not a second brain, there are no footage of memories being stored in our body."

"People are more willing to say 'I saw a bad dream' than to say 'I need to talk about my feelings,' because the dream feels unrelated to reality."

Verone Percuku is a Clinical and Community Psychology graduate from the University of Prishtina, born in Vushtrri, Kosovo. She's worked across mental health, education and civil society in Kosovo, including as Mental Health Projects Manager and later Vice Director at the Centre for Psycho-Social and Medical Research, and as an Educational Psychologist at BONEVET Prishtina. Her Master's thesis, Psychological and Cultural Dimensions of Dreams in the Balkans, explored dream content, personality, culture and history across the region.

• ​Instagram: instagram.com/verone.percuku
• ​Facebook: facebook.com/veronepercuku
• ​LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/veronë-perçuku

Referenced in This Episode

• Imagery Rehearsal Therapy: verywellmind.com/imagery-rehearsal-therapy-2797304

• Dr. Nancy McWilliams: nancymcwilliams.com

If Part 1 and 2 hit home, share them with a Balkan sister who needs to hear it, and leave a review, it genuinely helps more of us find each other.

Pt. 1: “I Dreamt a War I Never Lived”

Episode Description

We start with little Verone, growing up in a house where her father, an Albanian teacher, never asked about her grades, and her mother, only ever allowed eight years of schooling herself, made education a mission for her kids. We talk about post-war Kosovo, a city with barely any electricity, and an atmosphere of ambition tangled with fear she says she inherited as emotion, not memory.

Then we get into the dreams themselves. Why her brain built entire war scenes from newspapers and overheard conversations, why those dreams never scared her, and why in our culture the only dreams anyone shares are about death or teeth falling out, never the beautiful ones. I share a couple of my own too, including the dream I had about my brother the night before his accident. Verone breaks down what’s happening in the brain during REM sleep, and where science draws the line on what the rest of us call a premonition.

In This Episode

• Her father the teacher who never asked about grades, her mother who made education a mission
• Life in post-war Kosovo: no electricity, tight community, ambition tangled with fear
• Inheriting emotion without inheriting memory
• Repression as the coping pattern of a generation without the tools to process what they carried
• Ivana’s parents’ trauma resurfacing after a house fire, and why trauma just “parks itself”
• The war dreams: soldiers in the backyard, built from newspapers and overheard conversations
• Why those dreams fascinated her instead of scaring her
• Wanting to study psychology from age 12, before connecting it back to the dreams
• The cultural rule on which dreams are safe to share, and why nobody mentions the good ones
• Ivana’s premonition dream about her brother, and her mum’s dream of her late brother
• What’s happening in the brain during REM sleep, and why we remember some dreams and lose others
• Where science draws the line on premonitions, and holding room for both curiosity and evidence

Standout Quotes

“I have no memory of the war, but my brain was picking up pieces from the movies I was watching, the news, and all the conversations we had about it.”

About Verone Percuku

Referenced in This Episode

• Dr. Nancy McWilliams: nancymcwilliams.com

Where to Find Verone

• Facebook: facebook.com/veronepercuku
• LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/veronë-perçuku

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This is a flashback episode — one close to my heart — with the OG Balkan Sis, Frankie, the friend who started Balkan Sis with me back when it was just the two of us. We talk about something every Balkan woman knows intimately: body shaming, the obsession with being skinny, and the "feedback" that comes with simply existing in — or being from — the Balkans.

It kicks off with my own story: fresh from a funeral, in a dress I felt genuinely good in, asked twice within two hours whether I was pregnant. From there we get into the "jesi smršavela / jesi se udebljala" comments people fire off before they've even said hello, the double standard in how men's and women's bodies get talked about, why Balkan culture treats a woman's body like public property, and the patriarchy behind it. We talk about the moment I finally started clapping back instead of absorbing it, a run-in with a family friend who commented on my body while his own son sat downstairs, and why "well-meaning" comments land harder than people realize.

Then it widens out: how the Balkan mentality boxes women in (skinny = good, overweight = lazy), what it's like building a business — like Frankie's yoga practice, Equilibrium Yoga Hub — in a culture that measures worth by doctor/lawyer/teacher, the pressure to have kids by a certain age, and why the diaspora can't outrun their culture no matter how hard they try. We close with five things we each love about Western culture, five about Balkan culture, and our book and podcast recs.

IN THIS EPISODE• My funeral story: asked twice in two hours if I was pregnant• Why "did you lose/gain weight" is basically a Balkan greeting• Australia vs. the Balkans — the questions that come from near-strangers• Where it comes from: patriarchy, and skinny = good, overweight = lazy• The auntie I hadn't seen in 10 years, and "you gained weight" mid-hug• Learning to respond instead of absorb• The family friend who commented on my weight while his son sat downstairs• Why male bodies get celebrated while female bodies get scrutinized• Postpartum, miscarriage, infertility — not knowing what's behind a question• Owning the dumb things we've both said to other women in the past• Being unmarried/childless in your mid-30s and getting "categorised"• Frankie's yoga business and building something non-traditional in the Balkans• 5 things we love about Western vs. Balkan culture• Book & podcast recs: Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom, Conversations with God, Light Is the New Black, Untamed, Hold On to Your Kids, Motherkind, Dua Lipa: At Your Service

QUOTES"Who cares? It's none of your business.""That's not something you say to a woman.""If you don't like my stomach, that's your problem. I'm a girl, I can't have a stomach?""Every time we say something like that, we're actually betraying ourselves." — Frankie

ABOUT FRANKIE & EQUILIBRIUM YOGA HUBFrankie and I met in primary school in Australia 25+ years ago; she moved back to Zagreb to start her own family. She now runs Equilibrium Yoga Hub (eYoga Hub) in Zagreb — yoga, Pilates/yogilates, prenatal & postpartum programs, meditation & breathwork, sound baths & sound massage, cacao ceremonies, energy treatments, workshops & events. A supportive, community-first space for mind, spirit and body.

Website: eyogahub.comTimetable: eyogahub.com/studioyogaSound healing: eyogahub.com/sound-massageEvents: eyogahub.com/eventsBlog: eyogahub.com/blogYouTube: youtube.com/@eyogahubInstagram: @eyogahubFacebook: facebook.com/1618966898429013All links: linktr.ee/eyogahub

FIND ME / BALKAN SISInstagram: @ivanastrbacalfonsoFacebook / Twitter / LinkedIn: search "Ivana Strbac Alfonso"Balkan Sis on Facebook: @balkansispodcast

If this one hit home, send it to a Balkan sister who needs to hear it, and leave a review — it helps more of us find each other.

This week on Balkan Sis, I sit down with Drita Haziraj — a woman who has lived about five lifetimes in one. Drita survived the siege of Sarajevo as a teenager, spent decades as a radio and TV journalist in Bosnia (Radio Free Europe, Radio Stari Grad, Radio FERN, Radio BiH), and in 2004 created and hosted Naša Realnost (Our Reality), a humanitarian TV show that raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for families in need. She rebuilt her life from scratch in the US as a single mother of two, became a licensed Illinois real estate broker, and now hosts her own podcast, Realno with Drita Haziraj.

We go back to little Drita growing up in Pale, outside Sarajevo, before the war changed everything, and into what four years under siege actually looked like as a teenager — no electricity, rationed food, snipers, and becoming the person who kept her family fed and safe. She talks about finding her voice by calling into a local radio station during the war to read her own poetry, breaking into a career that was very much a boys' club, and the story that pushed her from radio into television. We talk about how Naša Realnost grew into something far bigger than she planned, and the hard moments that eventually pushed her to leave everything and start again in America — three jobs, thirteen rented homes, and the pride of finally signing the loan on a home that was hers. It's a conversation about war, motherhood, reinvention, and what "realno" — real — actually means.

In This Episode

• Growing up in Pale before the war, and being the self-described "rebel" of the family
• Surviving four years under siege as a teenager, and becoming her family's lifeline
• Wanting to study theology, being turned away for being Muslim, and finding journalism instead
• Reading wartime poetry on local radio, and breaking into a career that was a boys' club
• The story that shifted her from radio into television
• How Naša Realnost grew into one of Bosnia's most recognised humanitarian TV shows
• Touring Australia and raising over $100,000 AUD for families back home
• Losing her mother, and leaving Bosnia to start over in the US as a single mother of two
• Working three jobs, getting her real estate license, and signing the loan on her first home
• Her sons' very different experiences adjusting to America
• Launching Realno with Drita Haziraj, and wanting women to support each other's work

Standout Quotes"War taught me to be so grateful for everything. I wouldn't change that experience, because now I can compare what I had, or didn't have, to how blessed I am.""For an immigrant, buying a home isn't really about the property. It's about the process — that you even get the chance to apply.""When you're a journalist, you're a journalist your whole life. You bring that into everything you do."

About Drita HazirajDrita survived the siege of Sarajevo as a teenager, spent decades as a radio and TV journalist in Bosnia, and in 2004 created Naša Realnost (Our Reality), a humanitarian TV program. She rebuilt her life in the US as a single mother of two, became a licensed Illinois real estate broker, and now hosts Realno with Drita Haziraj.

Where to Find DritaRealno Podcast: realnopodcast.com, and on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio and YouTube

(search "Realno sa Dritom Haziraj").

Instagram: @dritadidahazirajReal estate: Chase Real Estate, Naperville IL (chasebroker.com)Charity: Naša Realnost / Our Reality (ourreality-nasarealnostnfp.godaddysites.com)Support the podcast: buymeacoffee.com/realnopodcast/membership

Today's guest is a scientist and a mum who got sick of the same thing most of us have felt scrolling parenting Instagram at 2am. Everyone with an opinion, nobody with a source. Violeta Gordeljevic, parenting science expert, spent years working in public health for governments and global organisations before she had her own baby and realised nobody was translating any of that research for parents. So she built The Parenting Class herself, now reaching over 330,000 people who come to her for one thing, actual evidence.

We go right back to little Violeta, born in Bosnia, two years old when her family left in 1992 to join her father in Germany, where he'd been working as a coal miner. We talk about growing up shy and sensitive in a tight multicultural community, becoming the nerdy teenager who discovered the library and never left, and the moment Sunday school turned her into a lifelong questioner of everything, including the old wives' tales her own mother swore by.

From there we follow her into public health, into a decade working on environmental health policy across seven or eight countries, into meeting her Indonesian partner, and into the shower in her Berlin apartment where the idea for The Parenting Class was born while her newborn slept on the couch. We get into the real, unfiltered version of building a business while raising two kids, and why she moved her whole family to Indonesia to make sure her children grow up connected to both sides of their heritage.

We talk temperament, and why there's no such thing as a good baby or a bad baby. We talk screens, and the real difference between a curated cartoon and handing a toddler an algorithm. We talk about the wildly different parenting cultures she's lived inside, hands off playgrounds in Germany versus hovering in Australia versus a village of aunties, and how she's learned to trust her own values over whichever culture she's standing in.

In this episode:

• Little Violeta, born in Bosnia, raised in Germany from age two
• The moment questioning the Bible in Sunday school got her called a non-believer
• Studying business first, then finding her real passion in public health
• The Berlin shower where The Parenting Class was born
• Building 160 videos and 15 hours of content over five years
• Temperament, and why the same approach can fail completely on a different kid
• Moving to Indonesia to connect her kids to their father's heritage
• Raising two kids across English, Serbian, German and Indonesian
• Schooling in Germany versus Jakarta
• Playground culture across three countries
• Screens, algorithms, and the one rule to set on day one
• The permission slip she'd give every mum listening

Find Violeta Gordeljevic at @violeta.parenting.science and www.theparentingscience.com.

Find Ivana Strbac Alfonso and Balkan Sis at @balkansispodcast, or ivana.alfonso@hotmail.com.

Until next time, this has been Balkan Sis. Love, Ivana.