Pt. 1 | Aleksandra Alavanja, Domestic Violence Advocate: "I Spent 20 Years Protecting Women. Then It Happened To Me."

Content warning: This episode discusses domestic and family violence, pregnancy loss and suicidal thoughts. Please look after yourself.

Some conversations our families never had out loud. This is one of them.

In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, Ivana sits down with Aleksandra Alavanja, a mother of three, domestic and family violence advocate, criminologist and restorative justice facilitator, with more than 20 years in criminal justice reform and crime prevention.

Before the titles, there was little Aleksandra. Born in Dandenong to a father from Dalmacija and a mother from Ohrid, she grew up Yugoslav in 1980s Melbourne, watching her dad scrub "wog go home" off the family fence. As the eldest daughter, she was also her parents' interpreter. She met her husband at 17, ticked every box, and built a career supporting women experiencing violence, without ever seeing the parallels in her own life.

Aleksandra and Ivana talk about the good girl conditioning so many Balkan daughters carry, the shame of "šta će reći ljudi," the low bar we set for men, and the invisible load women carry at home. Aleksandra opens up about pregnancy loss, unspoken grief, burnout, and how abuse can start slowly and quietly before it escalates.

In this episode:

• Growing up Yugoslav in 1980s Melbourne
• Being the eldest daughter, the interpreter and the good girl
• Her first work in domestic violence, and how the law has changed
• Why our communities make excuses for men's behaviour
• "Everyone wants a village, nobody wants to be a villager"
• Working with faith leaders on violence prevention
• Pregnancy loss and the silence around it
• Early red flags: jealousy, control and "why aren't you home?"
• Why nothing a woman does ever justifies violence

In Part 2, Aleksandra shares what happened, why she stayed, how she and her husband got help, and what early intervention can look like.

Connect with Aleksandra:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aleksalavanja23/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aleksandra-alavanja-b15a4b43/
Aleksandra on SBS Serbian: https://www.sbs.com.au/language/serbian/en/podcast-episode/special-lessons-for-religious-leaders-from-multicultural-communities-to-tackle-domestic-violence/wnnkvp1rv

Support Aleksandra's Walk for WAGEC:
WAGEC supports around 200 women and children escaping violence every night: https://www.walkforwagec.org.au/sponsor?kw=aleksandraalavanja

Support in Australia:
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 (text 0458 737 732)
Emergency: 000
Lifeline: 13 11 14
NSW Domestic Violence Line: 1800 656 463
QLD DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811
VIC Safe Steps: 1800 015 188
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800
eSafety Commissioner: esafety.gov.au
Interpreters (TIS): 131 450

For men:
Men's Referral Service (for men worried about their own behaviour): 1300 766 491
MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78
QLD DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636
Read: She Is Not Your Rehab by Matt Brown

Men who want to be better:
Dario Strbac, Gold Coast trainer and facilitator, works online and in person with men who want to become better versions of themselves, physically and mentally. https://www.instagram.com/dariostrbac_/

Overseas:
Europe emergency: 112
Croatia: 116 006
Serbia: 0800 222 003
Bosnia and Herzegovina: 1265 / 1264
Montenegro: 080 111 111
North Macedonia: 070 141 700
Austria: 0800 222 555
Germany: 116 016
UK: 0808 2000 247
USA: 1-800-799-7233
NZ: 0800 456 450

Disclaimer: This episode is for general information and education only and is not legal, medical or professional advice. Personal experiences shared are the guest's own. Views expressed are those of the speakers and do not represent any organisation they work for. No individuals are named or intended to be identified. If you or someone you know is in danger, call emergency services immediately.

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What We Carry: War Photographer Mark Milstein on Vukovar, Sarajevo, and the War That Never Really Leaves

AI and technology get a lot of bad press, so this week I wanted to share a story that softens some of that.

On June 17th, 1993, behind Sarajevo's main train station, photojournalist Mark Milstein photographed a young man moments after he was hit by sniper fire. A soldier ran through gunfire, pulled a door off its hinges, and with a passer-by carried the wounded man to safety. Thirty-three years later, a stranger found those photos online, used ChatGPT to trace them back to Mark, and messaged him on LinkedIn: "The man in these photos is my cousin. He is still alive, and he would like to speak with you."

Mark takes us from his grandparents' newsstand in Jersey City to a two-week holiday in 1991 that took him to Vukovar and turned into eleven years as a war photographer, covering more than 20 conflicts. He shares almost two years living with Dr. Nada Bojanić's family in Sarajevo, burning books to stay warm and singing by candlelight, along with "Maybe Airlines," nearly losing his foot near Karlovac, and the story behind his photograph of Admira and Boško.

This one is deeply personal for me. I was born in Bosnia, and I'm still trying to understand what the war did to me, my family and so many of us. This conversation is a piece of that puzzle.

Gentle note: this episode discusses war, death and trauma. Please listen when you're in a safe space, and reach out to someone you trust if it brings things up.

IN THIS EPISODE

• How a journalist about to be fired became a war photographer in Vukovar
• Getting stranded in Sarajevo with no ride out, no film and no plan
• Life under siege: the black market, burning books for warmth, and "the worst camping trip you were ever on"
• Living with Dr. Nada Bojanić's family and the dark humour that kept everyone human
• Nearly losing his foot in 1994, and walking again
• The story behind the photograph of Admira and Boško
• The LinkedIn message, and speaking with the soldier and the man who was shot, 33 years later
• How the war lives on in our families, from short tempers to the stories passed down to our children
• What the people of the former Yugoslavia taught him, and his one word for them: thank you

STANDOUT QUOTES
"The camera is the tool, but my ultimate job is as an educator."
"That protection sits between this ear and that ear."
"I have to only say one word to people who I came into contact with: thank you. Because without you, I wouldn't be who I am."

ABOUT MARK
Mark Milstein is an American photojournalist who has worked in more than 60 countries, covering over 20 conflicts from 1991 to 2000, including more than four years in Croatia, Bosnia and Serbia. His work has appeared in Time, Newsweek and The New York Times. He later founded Red Dot and Northfoto, and today works at the intersection of photography and AI.

CONNECT WITH MARK
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/conflictphotos/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mark-milstein-60aba53/
Sarajevo photos: https://www.sniperalley.photo/photographers/mark-h-milstein.html
If you think you or your family appear in his photos, please reach out to him.

CONNECT WITH IVANA & BALKAN SIS
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ivanastrbacalfonso/
Balkan Sis: https://www.instagram.com/balkansispodcast/

This episode is dedicated to everyone who made it through, and in memory of all those who didn't.

If this one moved you, please share it with a Balkan sister or brother, and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It genuinely helps more of us find each other.

"Be Strong": The Lie Every Diaspora Kid Was Raised On | Growing Up Balkan with Frankie

What was it really like growing up in the Balkans in the '80s and '90s? In this flashback episode, recorded in 2022, I sit down with my OG Balkan Sis and best friend since primary school, Frankie, to go back to where it all began: how we were raised, and how that childhood still shows up in who we are today.

Frankie takes us from Trogir and Sarajevo to fleeing at the start of the war, then Zagreb, Australia and back again. She walked herself to kindergarten at five, and at her First Communion her mum (determined she'd "be different") sent her out in a white dress, a buzz cut and bright orange shoes. I share my village childhood in Bosnia: grandparents upstairs, homemade everything, all the kids crammed in one room while the adults ate, and a whole village with permission to raise (and discipline) you.

We laugh, we cringe, and we get honest about the harder parts too: strict parenting, zero communication, double standards between girls and boys, parents parenting from survival mode, and why so many of us carry complicated family relationships into adulthood.

Before we jump in, I share a little catch-up: a hectic few months, the podcasts I've been a guest on, why your story is worth sharing even when it feels scary, and what's next, including my book, At Baba and Dida's House.

IN THIS EPISODE

• Why your story is worth sharing
• Fleeing at the start of the war and being held at the border for three days
• Walking alone to kindergarten at five
• The First Communion photo: buzz cut, braces, white dress and orange shoes
• A mum who said "you don't have to get married or have kids"
• Nonna making you "hold the figa" on the way to church
• Playing outside until someone yelled "Ručak!" from the balcony
• Kids shut in one room while the adults socialised, then eating the leftovers
• Kids as their parents' "postcard," and a village where anyone could tell you off
• Double standards between how girls and boys were raised
• How the war froze progress, and parents parenting from trauma
• "Do as I say, not as I do"
• Becoming expert people-readers as kids
• Why "being strong" costs us later in life
• What we're keeping from our culture, and what we're leaving behind

STANDOUT QUOTES
"You were your parents' representation. If you misbehaved in the community, you looked bad on your parents."
"Being strong is viewed as this amazing thing, but you pay for it later on in life."
"We're taking bits we like and leaving things we don't like, because we have the bravery to do that now."

ABOUT FRANKIE
Frankie is my best friend since primary school and a much-loved returning voice on Balkan Sis. She lives in Zagreb, Croatia, where she runs Equilibrium Yoga Hub, a holistic studio offering yoga, Pilates, prenatal and postpartum programs, meditation, breathwork and sound baths, mostly as live virtual classes.

CONNECT WITH FRANKIE
Instagram: @eyogahub
Website: https://www.eyogahub.com
All links: https://linktr.ee/eyogahub

LISTEN TO ME ON REALNO SA DRITOM HAZIRAJ (in Croatian)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-g6plxWEZg

CONNECT WITH ME
Instagram: @ivanastrbacalfonso
Balkan Sis: @balkansispodcast

Got a hilarious (or slightly traumatic) Balkan childhood moment? Jump into the DMs at @balkansispodcast and tell us. If this one took you back, send it to your Balkan sister or cousin who'll get it, and leave a review. It genuinely helps more of us find each other.