It’s a phrase heard in classrooms, homes and care settings every day - often said with certainty. But what if that certainty is where we get it wrong?

In this solo episode, behaviour specialist Andy Baker challenges one of the most common assumptions in parenting, teaching and caregiving: that lying is always a conscious choice. Instead, he explores a deeper perspective - that behaviour, including lying, is often a strategy to cope with fear, shame, stress or lack of skills.

Through a relatable school scenario and practical step-by-step guidance, Andy breaks down how our responses can either build honesty… or unintentionally teach children to hide. If you support children or vulnerable individuals, this episode will help you move from reaction to understanding - without losing boundaries.

00:00 – “He’s lying” - the assumption we rarely question 01:00 – Behaviour as a coping strategy 01:40 – The school scenario: caught with the evidence 02:00 – Certainty vs understanding 02:30 – The hidden assumption behind “lying” 03:00 – Confirmation bias and labelling 03:30 – A better question: what was the behaviour doing? 04:00 – Stress, needs and behaviour explained 05:00 – Why punishment can make lying worse 05:30 – The 5-step approach begins 05:40 – Step 1: De-escalate the identity attack 06:30 – Step 2: Separate facts from feelings 06:50 – Step 3: Teach a replacement behaviour 07:30 – Step 4: Focus on repair, not punishment 08:00 – Step 5: Reflect when calm 09:00 – Why children can’t learn in survival mode 09:30 – Applying this beyond children (adults & dementia) 10:30 – When lying is actually confusion or memory 11:00 – The key takeaway: test before you label 11:30 – The arm-folding exercise (habit vs awareness) 12:30 – Final reflections and practical application

• Behaviour is often a strategy, not a character flaw. What looks like lying may actually be a child trying to cope with fear, shame or overwhelm.
• Punishment without understanding can reinforce the behaviour. If lying protects a child from distress, punishment teaches them to hide it better - not change it.
• Connection and curiosity create lasting change. When we understand the “why” behind behaviour, we can teach better skills instead of reinforcing fear.

• You’re a parent, teacher or caregiver dealing with “lying” behaviours
• You want practical strategies that go beyond punishment
• You’re looking to balance boundaries with empathy
• You want to understand behaviour at a deeper, psychological level
• You’re supporting children, young people or vulnerable adults under stress

• Able Target System (ATS) – Practical framework for behaviour support
• Book: Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge – Andy Baker

• Podcast: https://www.able-training.co.uk/podcast
• Website: https://www.able-training.co.uk
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-support
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/abletrainingsupport
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abletrainingsupport

If a child feels safer lying than telling the truth… what does that say about the environment they’re in?

What if the biggest shift in behaviour support isn’t about techniques… but about how we think?

In this solo episode, Andy Baker explores one of the most underrated skills in caregiving, education and parenting: intellectual humility. The ability to step back and question your assumptions can transform how you understand behaviour - whether it’s a child labelled “attention-seeking”, a student seen as “lazy”, or an adult perceived as “difficult”.

Through relatable stories and practical examples, Andy challenges the way we interpret behaviour, showing how labels can block connection, fuel confirmation bias, and escalate situations. Instead, he introduces a more effective approach built on curiosity, emotional awareness, and understanding the hidden reasons behind behaviour.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, frustrated, or unsure how to respond to behaviour that challenges - this episode will help you see things differently… and respond more effectively.

00:00 - Attention-seeking vs connection-seeking: why framing matters 00:35 - The most underrated skill: intellectual humility 01:00 - Why we misread behaviour (and overestimate our understanding) 01:30 - The “bouncing ball” story: behaviour makes sense in context 02:30 - Why past experiences shape present reactions 03:00 - How small moments can create lasting emotional impact 04:00 - Invalidation, shame, and why “it doesn’t matter” doesn’t help 04:30 - The power of curiosity in behaviour support 05:00 - Why caregivers lose curiosity under pressure 05:30 - The problem with labels like “lazy”, “liar”, or “manipulative” 06:00 - How labels fuel confirmation bias 07:00 - Why labels create disconnection 07:30 - A better question: “Why this, why now?” 08:30 - Fixing vs managing behaviour - knowing the difference 09:00 - Communication beyond words: tone, body language and presence 10:00 - Why calm is the most practical intervention 10:30 - How assumptions leak through your communication 10:50 - De-escalation through alignment and connection 11:30 - Connection before correction in practice 12:30 - Key takeaway: labels create lazy thinking 13:00 - Why curiosity leads to better care and stronger relationships 13:30 - Turning curiosity into consistent practice (Able Target System)

• Labels aren’t explanations - they’re shortcuts. They often oversimplify behaviour and reinforce confirmation bias, limiting your ability to see the full picture.

• Behaviour always makes sense… in context. What looks like an overreaction might be completely logical when you understand someone’s past experiences.

• Curiosity creates connection - and connection changes outcomes. Asking “why this, why now?” helps you respond more effectively while maintaining boundaries and dignity.

• You’ll rethink common behaviour labels like “attention-seeking”, “lazy”, or “manipulative”

• You’ll gain practical tools to reduce conflict and improve communication

• You’ll learn how to balance empathy with boundaries

• You’ll understand how your mindset directly impacts the people you support

• You’ll walk away with a clearer, calmer approach to behaviour that challenges

• The Able Target System – A structured approach to behaviour support, de-escalation, and reflection

• Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge – Andy Baker’s book

• The Adaptive Caregiver (coming soon) – A model focused on improving wellbeing and quality of life through adaptive support

• Website: https://www.able-training.co.uk/podcast

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-support

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/abletrainingsupport

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abletrainingsupport

If the behaviour makes no sense to you… is that about them - or about the limits of your current understanding?