Why are we attempting to write this episode summary before caffeine? This could turn out to be real grisly. Okay, it's not their fault, the kitchen's right there, dumbo, just-

And back. Hello, lovely listener. What a magical quest we have on tap today! In a nation subscribed to Taskmaster, everything's a game. It's in the water. The water they use to make the coffee. Which is delicious!

Did I mention you look fabulous today?

First, we talk Mary's coffee ritual. Then we join our intrepid monologuer in his hunt for the good stuff. After, it's hard-boiled analysis of the ease of finding caffeinated inventions in London versus the thrill of the hunt. And what does an insurance clearinghouse have to do with it all?

Man finds a soapbox. Stands on it. Gets shoved off. Anyone unclear about the peccadilloes of major sports renovation, your salvation awaits. Just don't blame us when the Birmingham, uh, Blasters are hooping against the, I dunno, Leeds Lions. (This is why British football clubs hide their mascots. Every American sports team sounds like Stan Lee named them.)

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver's penchant for pilfering EPL innovations comes to the fore in our discussion. Then we talk Lebron conspiracies. Then we veer into waterfowl. It's wild. Just remember to box out.

Not the Haley Joel Osment movie. Yes, there was a movie. No, it's not worth- I mean, it stars Jay Mohr and Jon Bon Jovi. Digression!

We're talking false memories, faux churches, the march of time in Oxford, and what it takes to turn a little dirty paper into something eternal. When is a bank not a bank but definitely a bank? Stay tuned and find out.

Leave it to two good Wisconsin kids to manage a conversation about bathrooms, restrooms, potties, WCs, and loos without touching the topic of evacuation itself. How? Mary's just plain smart about it. Andy goes into the money underpinning the pee and probably mentions "his Econ degree" a billion times.

Also, Mary makes a stunning admission that has us checking the Met's statute of limitations. And we bypass a game because there's only so much dancing around this topic one can do before you get your feet wet...

Hold your horses! Andy ventures into the anorak in this episode, toeing into the poetry and madness of Britishisms. And not for the last time, admiration of words gets us tongues tied. Maybe it's a curse. Or maybe it's a pair of blurt-based Americans in way over their heads.

Thanks for listening. Now don't get off your bike; there's plenty of time for your gin sprint...

How much can one grown man talk about Richard Osman before it gets unseemly? We quest to find out. Mary's back, the roofers aren't, and another audio short takes us into the underside of British celebrity culture. (Apologies in advance to Romesh.)

Later, Andy walks Mary through a whistle-stop tour of Britain's biggest celebrities. Once you back out the Spielbergs and Oprahs and Obamas, how many can we expect a Yankee to know?

Join the journey through one guy's fascination with the Sceptred Isle, one audio short at a time. This episode: the hideous social handshake that makes a Midwesterner feel right at home.

In the first of our eight-episode sprint, Andy and Mary take on tipping. What would a good Wisconsin boy do when it's time to reward the service? And what's possible when a British server comes at you with the console? Our audio short explores the worst-case scenario sitting at the cross of these vectors.

Twenty-five years and four thousand miles leaves a lot of unfinished business with one small island.

Welcome to The British Affliction, eight comedy shorts about the wonder and magic of everyday Britain. At least, that's how it looks from here.

Subscribe now — and we'll afflict you soon.