Ever leave a conversation and realize, somewhere on the way to the car, exactly what you should have said? There’s a French term for that feeling, and ADHD brains know it intimately.

This week, we explore why saying the hard thing in real time is so difficult with ADHD, from the blurt-or-freeze problem to the research on variable reaction time and emotional dysregulation that makes it make sense. We get into how pace gets used against slower processors in an argument, and how to claim the room you need without walking out.

Then the practical side: naming your state, five “slow sentences” to keep in your back pocket, the Gottman rule for taking a real break, and a trimmed-down version of DBT’s DEAR MAN that you can actually remember when it counts.

Links & Notes

• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database
• Kofler et al. 2013, reaction time variability meta-analysis
• Anker, Ogrim & Heir 2022 summary
• Shaw et al. 2014, emotion dysregulation in ADHD
• Ben-Dor Cohen et al. 2023, J. Attention Disorders
• Gottman: flooding and breaks
• Gottman: repair attempts
• Lieberman et al. 2007, affect labeling and ScienceDaily write-up
• DEAR MAN overview
• Wordorigins: l’esprit de l’escalier

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (02:08) - Saying the Hard Thing
• (21:51) - Asserting Your Slow-Downs
• (30:43) - DEAR MAN...

I once printed my computer’s contacts onto paper sized to fit my Franklin Quest binder. I loved that binder enough to make a computer work for it. Keeping the system current was practically a hobby, which was convenient because it required quite a lot of my participation.

Decades later, I still enjoy arranging software. I have less enthusiasm for remembering to check every place I’ve put something important. The personal AI agents I’ve been using can carry an assignment between conversations, with ongoing checks where I’ve set them up. That has started to change my working day. I can teach them what matters, correct a misunderstanding, and find that the next round of help reflects what I’ve explained. So far, the useful work has substantially outweighed the mistakes. I’m getting things finished that I’d been putting off.

This public edition is a taste of Placeholder, our member-supported show about the tools we use while we wait for something better. Join us on Patreon for the full episode and to help keep The ADHD Podcast going. I’d be glad to have you there.

• (00:00) - Welcome to Placeholder
• (00:20) - The Fancy Binder
• (03:14) - The Things We're Handing Over
• (04:56) - Introducing Muse
• (09:19) - Become a Supporter at Patreon.com/theadhdpodcast

We’ve talked plenty about asking for help. This week, James Ochoa and his son Jules join us to take on the other half: what happens when someone actually helps you, and why that can feel so much harder.

Jules has spent the past year rebuilding James’s practice from the inside, which means James has been on the receiving end of a lot of help he didn’t ask for. In this conversation, we explore why unrequested help can feel like an accusation, where the imposter voice comes from, and how to tell the difference between gratitude and the debt ledger so many of us carry. Jules shares what he’s learned about how to help someone with ADHD without triggering the walls, and James is remarkably open about how much of this still gets him, 30 years into the work.

Plus, Jules calls his dad out live on air, and it goes about how you’d expect.

Links & Notes

• 11Q Your ADHD, the free yearly reflection tool from James and The Life Empowerment Center
• The Complex, the audio drama Jules wrote and produced with James
• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (00:54) - Become a Patron!
• (02:50) - Receiving Help with James and Jules Ochoa
• (07:07) - What Happens to the ADHD Brain on Receiving Help?
• (13:26) - "If I ask for help... it means I can't do it."
• (28:34) - The Ledger
• (41:18) - How do you open up to help?
• (49:47) - Learn More