In this episode, Susan unpacks Richard Schwartz's term "tor-mentor" — the idea that our children, in the moments they frustrate us most, are also mentoring us toward healing. Ordinary friction, like being ignored, can trigger reactions far bigger than the moment calls for, often knocking into old, buried wounds. Susan explains this isn't about blaming kids — it's about recognizing that the intensity of our reactions is information worth exploring with curiosity.

• Why a child ignoring a request can trigger rage disproportionate to the moment — and what that intensity is really telling you.
• The IFS concept of "unblending" — creating just enough distance from a reaction to meet it with curiosity instead of being swept away.
• What it means to see your child as both the catalyst of some of your hardest moments and your path to healing.

Transcript here

In this episode, Susan connects Internal Family Systems to three modes she's taught for years: Captain, Lawyer, and Dictator. Using a real dinnertime example, she shows how a child's simple request can pull a parent from calm boundary-setting into defending themselves, and eventually into threats, once an old protective part takes over.

• What Captain-mode language sounds like across homework, screens, bedtime, and chores.
• How arguing (Lawyer mode) and threatening (Dictator mode) both come from protective parts trying to shield you from old pain.
• How your child's simple "it's not fair" can be met without defending yourself or needing to win

Full transcript here

Eckhart Tolle's foreword to Parenting With Presence here.

Susan continues her Parenting Without Power Struggles series on Internal Family Systems, introducing "manager" parts. A healthy manager keeps life running smoothly, but when driven by old fears or insecurities, it can tip into perfectionism, control, or people-pleasing, often at a cost to our peace and our relationships. Susan explains why these parts formed, and why the path forward is curiosity, not judgment.

• How managers that run on fear form in childhood, often in unpredictable or conditional-love environments.
• Examples of perfectionist, controller, over-planner, and people-pleaser managers in everyday parenting moments.
• Why an overworked manager can "run out of steam" — often exactly when a firefighter part steps in to take over.

Transcript here