• The Scions of the Tool Man
    May 18 2026

    Niki is out this week, but merritt and John still find plenty to talk about in the meantime. Well, by "plenty" I mean mostly Tim Allen, but there's some other stuff in there too! Netbooks, Destiny 2 nightmares, child actors and their fates, reverse engineering the plot of Pixels -- there's more going on here than just Tim Allen. I'll be honest though, lotta Tim Allen in this one.


    Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.


    Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social


    Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    Mostra di più Mostra meno
    52 min
  • Pastor Princess
    May 11 2026

    John, Niki and merritt assess the 2026 Met Gala in real time, providing up-to-the-minute details and analysis of all the freaks in their weird getups, in addition to discussing related topics such as future Met Gala theme ideas, the surgery that makes you Korean, what constitutes a helmet, Eli Lilly's iron grasp on your grandma, defunct social media networks, and gang? Somehow even more.


    Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.


    Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social


    Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    Mostra di più Mostra meno
    55 min
  • Reconstruction Indicator
    May 4 2026

    merritt, Niki and John talk about Ted Lasso for a really, really long time, after which they discuss shoes, the legend of Achilles, the Will Smith vehicle Hancock, and now that the gang is back together, somehow even more.


    Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.


    Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social


    Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    Mostra di più Mostra meno
    54 min
  • All Women Are Related
    Apr 27 2026

    Niki and John wrap up their doubles set by discussing what happens to your soul if/when you die in space, seeing dangerous animals in the wild, hunting Big the Cat, Niki's legally relevant total lack of opinions on The Super Mario Galaxy Movie, the Glossary of terms in our Discord server, movie remakes they haven't done yet, and if you can believe it, somehow even more.


    Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.


    Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social


    Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    Mostra di più Mostra meno
    1 ora e 5 min
  • Hiding Under Desks Was Better Than This
    Apr 20 2026

    merritt's back in space for some reason, I dunno I've lost track, but John and Niki are still here holding down the fort and talking about important issues that affect our lives daily, including the Pope, phone calls from Burger King, the sad tale of albert the alligator, the new fockers movie, and somehow even more.


    Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.


    Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social


    Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    Mostra di più Mostra meno
    58 min
  • 1-900-SMUT-BUSTERS
    Apr 13 2026

    John, Niki and merritt pause their Smut-Busting activities to refocus on more pressing matters, which include (but are not limited to) Shrek 5, the new "patched' Whopper® from Burger King (Home of the Whopper®), leaving important voicemails for important people, the burgers they got on the space station, HEB(!!!!), dating Shaboozey and, somehow, even more.


    Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.


    Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social


    Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    Mostra di più Mostra meno
    57 min
  • John's Razors
    Apr 6 2026

    merritt reunites with John and Niki via satellite for an update on the status of the Artemis II mission (which everyone on the show was definitely aware of), a brief discussion about various use cases for pneumatic tubes in the household, the plot to kill the baseball child, merritt's first royalty check from Marvel Comics, and somehow even more.


    Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.


    Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social


    Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    Mostra di più Mostra meno
    51 min
  • The Wilt Chamberlain of Elevators
    Mar 30 2026

    Apparently it's Elevator Week, so John, Michael and Niki discuss a number of topics relevant to the theme, including what everyone's favorite elevator is, whether you press the open/close door buttons, the Guardians of the Galaxy redesign of the Tower of Terror, elevators with various interior finishes, and somehow even more.


    Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.


    Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social


    Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

    Mostra di più Mostra meno
    59 min