It’s a new year, a new theme song, and—thankfully—everyone still has all their fingers. 🥂

In this episode, Jesse and Mikey kick off the year by talking New Year’s goals (not resolutions), why small changes matter more than unrealistic gym promises, and how tracking stress, sleep, and heart rate can actually make a difference. From OrangeTheory milestones and “revenge bodies” to learning when to slow down and actually take a day off, this conversation goes deeper than expected.

Along the way, they unpack:

• Why New Year’s Eve can feel overrated (and anxiety-inducing)

• Finding motivation through routine, data, and hot trainers

• Work-life balance, burnout, and the struggle to truly unplug

• Dating intentionally while still being “whores with standards”

• Starting businesses, setting boundaries, and trusting your instincts

And because this is Closet Cases, things also take a hard left into:

• Rhinestone dildos, Etsy business ideas, and questionable DIY tips

• Awkwardly hot doctor encounters

• Wild roommate and coworker stories

• Catholic school scandals and other absolute what-the-fuck moments

It’s funny, messy, vulnerable, and very real—because growth doesn’t have to be polished, and neither do we.

✨ New year. Same chaos. Slightly better boundaries. ✨

Just in time to miss the holidays, Mikey and Jesse are joined by Jesse's husband Gabriel for an extra-unhinged holiday episode that starts with Christmas origins… and spirals beautifully from there.

What begins as a deep dive into where Christmas actually comes from—pagan rituals, winter solstice, Saturnalia, mistletoe, trees, lights, and all—quickly turns into a brutally honest (and hilarious) conversation about family dysfunction, cultural traditions, religion, queerness, grief, and what the holidays really feel like when you don’t fit the Hallmark mold.

Along the way, we cover:

• Why December 25th isn’t Jesus’ real birthday

• Pagan traditions the church “rebranded”

• Latino, Filipino, and American holiday customs

• Toxic family dynamics, religion, and being LGBTQ+ during the holidays

• Cutting off family, setting boundaries, and chosen family

• Spirituality, cults, reincarnation, aliens, ghosts, demons, déjà vu, and whether this life might actually be hell

• Seasonal depression, loss, and finding joy on your own terms

• And… plenty of off-the-rails stories that definitely didn’t make it into church

It’s messy, funny, uncomfortable, heartfelt, and very Closet Cases.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, something else, or nothing at all—this episode is a reminder that you’re allowed to build your own traditions, protect your peace, and survive the holidays however you need to.

🎧 New episode out now.
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🎄 Chrysler Merry, babes.

We bring on our first guest and immediately regret nothing. Ellis joins Jesse and Mikey for an episode that’s basically New Orleans trauma bonding: service-industry bullshit, roommate disasters, military rumors, sketchy hookups, near crimes, and people who absolutely should not have been given keys or leases.

There’s no lesson here. Just bad decisions, worse roommates, and the kind of stories you only tell people you trust — or strangers on the internet with a microphone.

If you’ve ever lived with someone unhinged, overshared at 2 a.m., or thought “this probably shouldn’t be recorded”… this one’s for you.

Follow us: @ClosetCasesPod