How Did I Get So Far Into My Life—and Lose Myself? | Below the Circle Ep. 161

Dr. Phyllis explores why so many women look up after years of doing everything “right” and wonder where they went. Drawing from her own journey through academics and medicine, she explains how external evaluations can quietly shift from measuring performance to defining personal worth—and how that same measuring system follows us home into roles like spouse, mother, caregiver, friend, and church member. Over time, life becomes organized around what needs to be done next, leaving little space for joy, desire, identity, or meaning. When a transition, loss, or quiet moment interrupts the rhythm, women may feel regret, grief, or emptiness—even while feeling grateful for what they’ve built. She invites listeners to consider new “measurements” of a life and reconnect with the woman beneath the roles.

00:00 How Did I Get Here

02:34 Welcome and Episode Setup

03:17 When Achievement Becomes Worth

06:41 Bringing the Scorecard Home

09:51 Managing Life vs Living It

13:37 When Life Interrupts the Rhythm

16:35 Full Life vs Fulfilled Life

20:07 A New Lens for Identity

23:26 Invitation to Continue Together

25:35 Closing

Enjoyed this week's episode? Join Dr. Phyllis for more conversation and insights at thedrphyllis.com

What if the thing you are holding onto so tightly is not yours to carry anymore?

When you are used to caring for others, solving problems, anticipating needs, and making sure everything stays on track, letting go can feel uncomfortable. It can even feel irresponsible. But releasing control does not mean you have stopped caring.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis reflects on teaching her son to drive during one of the most demanding seasons of her life. As he grew more confident behind the wheel, she realized that helping him grow would eventually require her to step back. Through this experience, she explores the difference between caring and carrying, responsibility and control, and worry and trust. With the reminder to “let go and let God,” and encouragement from Matthew 11:28-30, she shares how releasing what is no longer yours to hold can create more space to live, breathe, and trust God with what comes next.

This week’s reflection:

What am I carrying right now that may no longer be mine to hold so tightly?

In this episode:

(0:00) Teaching her son to drive during a demanding season of caregiving

(1:46) Why love and safety can make us hold on tightly

(2:03) Recognizing when you have taken someone as far as you can

(3:21) Watching her son drive away and learning to trust

(4:04) Understanding the meaning of “let go and let God”

(5:37) Letting go without giving up or becoming irresponsible

(6:39) Why women who are used to being needed can live in reaction mode

(8:12) When helping in one season can become limiting in the next

(10:01) Accepting the limits of what you can control

(11:17) Doing what you can and releasing the outcome

(12:03) Matthew 11:28-30 and carrying burdens God never asked you to carry

(13:27) What trust looks like when life still feels uncertain

(14:25) How worry can use energy that could be spent living

(15:34) Caring deeply without carrying what belongs to someone else

(18:23) Why letting go is a process, not a one-time decision

(19:38) How releasing control creates space to breathe and live

(20:17) This week’s question: “What are you carrying that may no longer be yours to hold?”

(21:19) When love means holding on and when it means stepping back

(22:09) Continuing the conversation with Below the Circle After Hours

If you know you want to live your life differently, not just keep getting through it, join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections, deeper conversations, and encouragement.

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

What if the quiet you’ve been craving is not a sign that you’re tired of your life, but a sign that you need space to finally hear yourself again?

When you are used to answering questions, solving problems, caring for others, and keeping everything moving, stillness can feel unfamiliar or even selfish. But quiet does not mean you have stopped caring.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis reflects on the unexpected relief of walking into a quiet house and realizing that, for a few moments, nobody needed anything from her. She explores our connection between productivity and self-worth, challenges common ideas about resilience, and shares how stillness can create space to reconnect with yourself and God. Through Psalm 46:10, she offers a gentle reminder that you do not have to keep every plate spinning. Sometimes, simply being still is a blessing.

This week’s reflection:

What am I noticing now that it’s quiet?

In this episode:

(0:00) The unexpected relief of walking into a quiet house

(2:01) When productivity and being needed become part of your identity

(3:18) Why stillness is not failure or laziness

(4:31) Stillness for the woman who is used to keeping everything going

(5:52) Connecting busyness, importance, and self-worth

(7:32) Why stillness and doing nothing are not the same

(8:20) Stepping away from external demands and remembering who you are

(9:28) Why loving others does not mean every moment must belong to them

(10:48) Rethinking resilience and what it means to persevere

(12:26) Why so many women feel they need permission to be still

(13:50) Simple ways to find moments of stillness in everyday life

(15:00) Psalm 46:10 and the role of faith in stillness

(15:57) Remembering that you do not have to fix or control everything

(17:38) How quiet gives you space to hear yourself again

(18:44) This week’s question: “What am I noticing now that it’s quiet?”

(20:02) Creating space to hear yourself, hear God, and experience your life

(21:55) Continuing the conversation with Below the Circle After Hours

If you know you want to live your life differently—not just keep getting through it—join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections, deeper conversations, and encouragement.

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

What if you have become so good at managing your life that you no longer feel fully present in it?

There are seasons when caring for others, meeting responsibilities, and simply keeping everything moving can leave you feeling like you are circling above your own life. You are present for everyone and everything, but somewhere along the way, you may stop feeling present in your own days.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis shares the personal story behind Below the Circle and the phrase she kept repeating during a demanding season: I just want to land. She explores caregiving, grief, achievement, control, faith, and surrender, and offers a gentle reminder that becoming more present does not require abandoning the life or people you love.

This week’s reflection:

Where in my life am I present for it, but not really present in it?

In this episode:

(0:00) The words “I just want to land” and the season behind them

(2:03) Being present for your life versus being present in it

(2:55) The story and meaning behind Below the Circle

(4:38) How achievement and responsibility can create a sense of control

(5:32) When working harder can no longer fix what life brings

(7:30) Asking, “Am I living my life or managing it?”

(8:04) What it means to keep circling through life

(10:15) Coming down into the life you are actually living

(11:51) Why landing does not mean leaving your responsibilities behind

(13:58) Creating a space for women who are tired of holding everything together

(15:19) Believing it is not too late and that nothing has been wasted

(16:26) The prodigal daughter, coming home, and finding yourself again

(17:56) Releasing control and learning what belongs to you and what belongs to God

(20:33) Why landing means entering your life, not escaping it

(21:38) When surviving your life is no longer the same as living it

(22:55) One question to help you notice where you may still be circling

If you know you want to live your life differently—not just keep getting through it—join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections, deeper conversations, and encouragement.

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

What if something you have believed about yourself for years is no longer true?

Sometimes we carry old beliefs, assumptions, and stories into the present without stopping to ask whether they still fit. They may have come from a hard season, someone else’s words, or a decision that once helped us survive. Over time, those stories can begin to sound like facts.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis shares how removing an old piece of plywood from a garage window led to a powerful question: Is this still true? She invites you to gently examine the narratives shaping your choices, faith, dreams, and sense of self, without judging who you were or the choices you made in the past.

This week’s reflection:

What is one narrative you have been living around that you may need to look at again?

In this episode:

(0:00) The plywood-covered window that sparked a deeper question

(4:30) How yesterday’s narratives can shape today’s life

(6:09) Where the stories we believe about ourselves come from

(8:28) Why change can begin by simply “lifting a corner”

(9:14) Asking yourself, “Is this still true?”

(11:07) Honoring who you were while giving yourself permission to look again

(14:01) Why what has been covered for years may not be gone

(15:47) Questioning beliefs about God, faithfulness, and putting yourself last

(18:30) Choosing based on what is true today

(20:10) One narrative to gently examine this week

If you know you want to live your life differently—not just keep getting through it—join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections, deeper conversations, and encouragement.

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

What if you do not need to start over, but simply need to regroup?

Sometimes life moves so quickly that we keep doing what we have always done without stopping to ask whether it still fits. We keep working, caring, serving, and showing up. But somewhere along the way, habit can begin choosing the direction for us.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis shares why regrouping is not a sign of failure. It is a chance to notice where you are, reconnect with where you want to go, and make changes before life forces you to. She also shares her own season of regrouping with Below the Circle and why she is creating more space for connection, reflection, and community.

This week’s reflection:

Where in your life have you been moving out of habit instead of choosing your direction with purpose?

In this episode:

(1:46) Why regrouping can feel uncomfortable when you are the go-to woman

(2:39) Questions to ask when something that once worked no longer fits

(3:48) Why changing direction does not mean you made the wrong decision

(4:49) Regrouping without starting your whole life over

(5:30) Knowing when it is time to lift your head, look around, and recalibrate

(6:14) The familiar driving route example and how habits take over

(8:28) Why you may not be lost, but simply moving from habit

(9:42) How autopilot can begin making decisions for you

(10:06) Using regrouping to reconnect with where you actually want to go

(10:28) Small ways regrouping can show up in your everyday life

(11:38) Being honest when you no longer want to live out of habit

(12:40) Why it is never too late to regroup or choose differently

(13:18) Regrouping as a sign that you are paying attention

(13:57) Recognizing where you are before deciding what comes next

(14:56) Dr. Phyllis shares her own season of regrouping

(16:17) Her desire to serve the Below the Circle community more deeply

(17:06) A new way to continue the conversation through Substack

I’m now on Substack! Join me there for for reflections, inspiration, and deeper connections.”

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

———

Get your guide → thebelowthecircle.com

Below the Circle with Dr. Phyllis · Stop circling. Start landing. 🕊️

What are you still holding on to from the past that no longer fits the life you are living now?

Sometimes we keep things because they carry memories, love, grief, or a connection to someone we miss. Letting them go can feel like we are letting go of the person too. But there comes a time when holding on can begin to take up the very space we need for the life in front of us.

In this deeply personal episode, Dr. Phyllis shares her decision to finally let go of a couch and table that belonged to her parents. These were more than pieces of furniture. They represented family, loss, and years of memories. But she has reached a point where releasing them no longer feels like betrayal. It feels like permission to make room for what comes next.

This week’s reflection:

What are you holding on to from the past that is keeping you from fully being present in your life today?

In this episode:

(1:10) How do you know when it is time to let go of what no longer fits?

(2:20) Losing her mother and stepping into a new role within the family

(3:17) Recognizing her mother was trying to pass the baton before she died

(4:52) Grief, responsibility, and becoming task focused after loss

(5:20) Why Dr. Phyllis struggled to let go of her parents’ belongings

(7:31) Holding on when you have not yet had the space or time to grieve

(8:03) The family table and couch that carried decades of memories

(10:11) Realizing it is finally time to let them go

(11:44) Why releasing possessions does not mean betraying the people you love

(13:14) How caring, fear, and autopilot can keep us holding on

(14:33) When the past starts getting in the way of experiencing your present life

(15:03) Why you cannot live in the past and be fully present at the same time

(16:35) Giving yourself permission to grieve, release, and make room

(17:22) A “landing moment” to identify what you keep climbing over in your life

(18:33) What do you need to let go of to make room for your new season?

Your next step is already waiting: a guide called What’s Yours to Carry — and What Isn’t, made to walk you through your own plate and help you start sorting this is mine from this was never mine. Go get it at thebelowthecircle.com.

Nothing has been wasted. It’s not too late to land — whole, aligned, free.

———

Get your guide → thebelowthecircle.com

Below the Circle with Dr. Phyllis · Stop circling. Start landing. 🕊️

If your life looks good from the outside, but underneath it all you feel worn through, this episode is for you.

You can be deeply grateful for your life and still be tired inside it. Both can be true. The people you love matter to you. The work you do matters. You would choose much of this life again. But when you spend years noticing what everyone needs, picking up responsibilities, and carrying what others cannot see, even time off may not reach the tiredness underneath.

This episode names that hidden weight and reminds you that exhaustion is not proof that you are ungrateful, weak, or doing life wrong. God sees the parts no one else sees, including what you carry quietly.

This week’s reflection:

What truth about how tired you are have you been spending energy trying to hide?

In this episode:

(1:23) Two truths that can exist together: gratitude and exhaustion

(3:18) Why you are allowed to be tired inside a life you are grateful for

(3:48) Proverbs 14:13 and the pain a heart can carry even during joy

(4:36) Dr. Phyllis shares her own experience of success, responsibility, and deep depletion

(8:47) Why your schedule may not be the real reason you feel worn out

(10:07) The hidden work of noticing, absorbing, and responding to everyone around you

(12:58) How responsibilities, burdens, and emotional weight quietly accumulate

(14:43) Psalm 56:8 and the reminder that God sees every unseen tear

(16:51) Why your tiredness is not evidence against you

(19:34) Seeing your busy life for what it really is: a caring life

(20:05) A guided “landing moment” to admit one true thing without fixing it

(22:31) Deciding what is yours to carry and what is not

Your next step is already waiting: a guide called What’s Yours to Carry — and What Isn’t, made to walk you through your own plate and help you start sorting this is mine from this was never mine. Go get it at thebelowthecircle.com.

Nothing has been wasted. It’s not too late to land — whole, aligned, free.

———

Get your guide → thebelowthecircle.com

Below the Circle with Dr. Phyllis · Stop circling. Start landing. 🕊️

Scripture:

Proverbs 14:13 reminds us that even in laughter, the heart may still be carrying pain. Joy and heaviness can exist at the same time.

Psalm 56:8 reminds us that God sees and remembers the tears, struggles, and burdens that others may never notice.