How Did I Get So Far Into My Life—and Lose Myself? | Below the Circle Ep. 161

Dr. Phyllis explores why so many women look up after years of doing everything “right” and wonder where they went. Drawing from her own journey through academics and medicine, she explains how external evaluations can quietly shift from measuring performance to defining personal worth—and how that same measuring system follows us home into roles like spouse, mother, caregiver, friend, and church member. Over time, life becomes organized around what needs to be done next, leaving little space for joy, desire, identity, or meaning. When a transition, loss, or quiet moment interrupts the rhythm, women may feel regret, grief, or emptiness—even while feeling grateful for what they’ve built. She invites listeners to consider new “measurements” of a life and reconnect with the woman beneath the roles.

00:00 How Did I Get Here

02:34 Welcome and Episode Setup

03:17 When Achievement Becomes Worth

06:41 Bringing the Scorecard Home

09:51 Managing Life vs Living It

13:37 When Life Interrupts the Rhythm

16:35 Full Life vs Fulfilled Life

20:07 A New Lens for Identity

23:26 Invitation to Continue Together

25:35 Closing

Enjoyed this week's episode? Join Dr. Phyllis for more conversation and insights at thedrphyllis.com

What if the thing you are holding onto so tightly is not yours to carry anymore?

When you are used to caring for others, solving problems, anticipating needs, and making sure everything stays on track, letting go can feel uncomfortable. It can even feel irresponsible. But releasing control does not mean you have stopped caring.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis reflects on teaching her son to drive during one of the most demanding seasons of her life. As he grew more confident behind the wheel, she realized that helping him grow would eventually require her to step back. Through this experience, she explores the difference between caring and carrying, responsibility and control, and worry and trust. With the reminder to “let go and let God,” and encouragement from Matthew 11:28-30, she shares how releasing what is no longer yours to hold can create more space to live, breathe, and trust God with what comes next.

This week’s reflection:

What am I carrying right now that may no longer be mine to hold so tightly?

In this episode:

(0:00) Teaching her son to drive during a demanding season of caregiving

(1:46) Why love and safety can make us hold on tightly

(2:03) Recognizing when you have taken someone as far as you can

(3:21) Watching her son drive away and learning to trust

(4:04) Understanding the meaning of “let go and let God”

(5:37) Letting go without giving up or becoming irresponsible

(6:39) Why women who are used to being needed can live in reaction mode

(8:12) When helping in one season can become limiting in the next

(10:01) Accepting the limits of what you can control

(11:17) Doing what you can and releasing the outcome

(12:03) Matthew 11:28-30 and carrying burdens God never asked you to carry

(13:27) What trust looks like when life still feels uncertain

(14:25) How worry can use energy that could be spent living

(15:34) Caring deeply without carrying what belongs to someone else

(18:23) Why letting go is a process, not a one-time decision

(19:38) How releasing control creates space to breathe and live

(20:17) This week’s question: “What are you carrying that may no longer be yours to hold?”

(21:19) When love means holding on and when it means stepping back

(22:09) Continuing the conversation with Below the Circle After Hours

If you know you want to live your life differently, not just keep getting through it, join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections, deeper conversations, and encouragement.

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com

What if the quiet you’ve been craving is not a sign that you’re tired of your life, but a sign that you need space to finally hear yourself again?

When you are used to answering questions, solving problems, caring for others, and keeping everything moving, stillness can feel unfamiliar or even selfish. But quiet does not mean you have stopped caring.

In this episode, Dr. Phyllis reflects on the unexpected relief of walking into a quiet house and realizing that, for a few moments, nobody needed anything from her. She explores our connection between productivity and self-worth, challenges common ideas about resilience, and shares how stillness can create space to reconnect with yourself and God. Through Psalm 46:10, she offers a gentle reminder that you do not have to keep every plate spinning. Sometimes, simply being still is a blessing.

This week’s reflection:

What am I noticing now that it’s quiet?

In this episode:

(0:00) The unexpected relief of walking into a quiet house

(2:01) When productivity and being needed become part of your identity

(3:18) Why stillness is not failure or laziness

(4:31) Stillness for the woman who is used to keeping everything going

(5:52) Connecting busyness, importance, and self-worth

(7:32) Why stillness and doing nothing are not the same

(8:20) Stepping away from external demands and remembering who you are

(9:28) Why loving others does not mean every moment must belong to them

(10:48) Rethinking resilience and what it means to persevere

(12:26) Why so many women feel they need permission to be still

(13:50) Simple ways to find moments of stillness in everyday life

(15:00) Psalm 46:10 and the role of faith in stillness

(15:57) Remembering that you do not have to fix or control everything

(17:38) How quiet gives you space to hear yourself again

(18:44) This week’s question: “What am I noticing now that it’s quiet?”

(20:02) Creating space to hear yourself, hear God, and experience your life

(21:55) Continuing the conversation with Below the Circle After Hours

If you know you want to live your life differently—not just keep getting through it—join Dr. Phyllis on Substack for weekly reflections, deeper conversations, and encouragement.

Visit: https://drphyllishayesreams.substack.com