In this episode, Heather Shannon delves into the hidden reasons why sex becomes frustrating in long-term relationships. She explores four types of stories and meanings that couples attach to their sex lives, which often lead to emotional suffering. Through examples and frameworks like existential kink and internal family systems, Heather provides insights into how these unconscious belief patterns affect relationships and offers ways to reframe and address them for healthier connections.

Looking to get past sexual pressure or frustration and feel authentically close and excited again? Book a free consultation to see if coaching with Heather or a member of her team could be a good fit! Booking A Consultation With The Right Person

Want to get personalized coaching to improve your sex life? Book a free consultation with Certified Sex Therapist, Heather Shannon or her team. Booking A Consultation With The Right Person

Summary

In this conversation, Heather Shannon and Laura Alyn explore the journey of self-discovery in sexuality through self-inquiry and writing. Laura shares insights from her book, 'A Thousand Questions and Activities to Embrace Your Sexuality,' discussing the importance of understanding one's desires, the role of writing in processing thoughts, and the significance of open communication in relationships. They delve into the connection between body and mind, the exploration of kinks, and the necessity of creating a safe space for sexual expression. The discussion emphasizes the ongoing nature of personal growth and the importance of embracing one's sexuality without shame.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Sexual Self-Discovery

02:47 The Journey of Self-Inquiry

05:44 The Importance of Writing in Self-Discovery

08:48 Exploring Sexual Questions and Preferences

11:05 Diving Deeper into Kinks and Desires

13:46 Understanding Safety in Sexual Exploration

17:40 Connecting the Layers of Self

18:59 The Body-Mind Connection in Sexual Desire

20:31 Overriding Body Signals and Hustle Culture

21:37 Self-Inquiry and Personal Growth

22:28 The Ornelian Framework: A Path to Self-Discovery

23:55 Understanding Soul and Spirit in Intimacy

25:33 Navigating the Anxiety of Self-Inquiry

28:50 Complaints as Indicators of Deeper Desires

31:31 Responsibility in Relationships

32:40 Exploring Intimacy and Connection

34:34 Embracing Adventure in Sexual Exploration

Visit Laura Alyn's website and check out her framework here: https://theornelian.com/2025/08/27/framework/

Video Episode

Check out the video version of this episode on our YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/GbUngjPy1nQ

Keywords

sexuality, self-inquiry, communication, desire, intimacy, kinks, writing, personal growth, relationships, self-discovery

Sex doesn’t usually disappear because people stop loving each other. It disappears because of emotional mistakes no one teaches us to recognize. In this episode, I’m breaking down five patterns that quietly destroy sex — and what to understand instead

Work With Heather

Feeling frustrated with your sex life or lack thereof? Book a free consultation with Certified Sex Therapist Heather Shannon or someone from her team! Click here to start.

Episode Summary

Heather discusses the 5 common emotional mistakes that can negatively impact a couple's sex life. She emphasizes the importance of understanding emotional dynamics rather than focusing solely on physical aspects of intimacy. The conversation covers common pitfalls such as taking a partner's lack of desire personally, moralizing around sex, recognizing emotional wounds, and the expectations surrounding sex in relationships. Heather encourages couples to foster empathy, curiosity, and open communication to enhance their emotional and sexual connection.

Chapters

00:00 Understanding Emotional Mistakes in Sex Life

02:05 Taking Desire Personally: A Common Misconception

05:35 Blaming and Moralizing: The Impact on Relationships

10:46 Lack of Empathy for Sexual Wounds

15:11 Expecting Sex as an Obligation

20:35 The Honeymoon Phase: Unmasking Real Issues

Keywords

emotional mistakes, sex life, relationship advice, intimacy, sexual desire, communication, emotional wounds, libido, sexual health, couples therapy