Eternally Yours

What can be worse than electrocuting yourself while getting ready for your internet date? Realizing the hot stud you've been fondling is the Grim Reaper? Being chased by a sex-crazed bloated, naked corpse? How about an eternity of more bad hair days and horrific dates? Or lusting after the one guy in all the afterlife whose hydrophobia rivals his fear of commitment? Yeah, that's a whole lot worse.

What could be worse than getting tricked by a demon and sucked into the fiery pit of doom? Discovering that the demon who captured your soul is also the devastatingly sexy twin of the man who still has your heart. Someone please get me some water. It's getting hot in here.

My afterlife has sunk to a new level of desperate, all because some badass demon banished my friends to the fourth dimension of the fiery pit. When I signed up for this rescue mission, nobody told me about the bugs, hives, and sweltering heat. That I could handle. Add to that a sinfully sexy boyfriend with serious ex-fiancee issues, three temperamental giants, a psychotic demon dentist, and a really hungry soul-sucking dragon, and this trip to Hell has become the trip from Hell.

We've all heard of wedding-day disasters, like when a jealous ex-lover crashes the ceremony and causes a scene, or the photographer cancels at the last minute. Now let me tell you about my wedding day - the day thousands of demonic spiders chased my fiance and me off the elevator and into the Devil's den. And don't get me started on hellacious honeymoons. I spent the night shaking horny Monkey Hitler off my leg.

Five things I learned while being a fallen-angel zombie: 1. Duct tape works better than embalming. 2. Alopecia is not my favorite hairstyle. 3. Fried demons smell like bacon. 4. This brain breath is affecting my love life. 5. Nothing ruins a honeymoon like an apocalypse.