Have you ever felt like you’re just laying bricks? You’re doing the work, checking the boxes, sending the emails—but something feels… hollow. You’re busy, but you’re not moving. That’s because activity isn’t the same as progress. Real progress happens when you have a vision so strong it pulls you out of bed in the morning.

The Chemistry of Vision

We often think of love as something that just happens to us. We fall into it, or we wait for it. But what if we treated relationships the same way we treat our health or our finances? You don’t get fit by going to the gym once. You don’t build wealth by saving a single dollar. You do it through consistency, focus, and a clear target.

Relationships are no different.

To create a relationship filled with love and passion, we must first know what that looks like. Not in a vague, fairy-tale way—but specifically. Viscerally. We need to feel it in our nervous system before we ever hold it in our hands.

The Deanna Shift: From "Who Would Want Me?" to "I Know It Will Happen"

I remember Deanna. She came to me over a decade ago, one of my very first coaching clients. She was a single mom with three daughters. And she sat across from me and laid out her case.

“Who would want me?” she asked. “I’ve got an ex-husband. I’ve got kids. I’m older now. I don’t have the confidence I used to have.”

She wasn’t being dramatic. She was being honest. She had fear. She had limited self-belief. And she was tired.

But she also had a sliver of hope. That tiny spark is all we need.

We did a process called Strategic Visioning. I asked her to close her eyes and travel twelve months into the future. Not to imagine it like a daydream, but to experience it. To feel it in her body.

And there it was. She saw herself with a man. His arm was around her. Her arm was around him. They were united. A force. She didn’t see his face—just the back of his head. But she felt it. She felt the belonging. She felt the safety. She felt the joy.

When she opened her eyes, something had clicked. She wasn’t hopeful anymore. She was certain.

Within months, she met him. Today, nearly a decade later, they are still together.

That’s not magic. That’s the rubber band effect.

The Rubber Band Effect

Imagine a thick, heavy-duty rubber band. You wrap it around yourself, and you wrap the other end around your vision. Not around a task. Not around a to-do list. Around the outcome.

Now, feel yourself being pulled.

That is pull motivation. You don’t have to push yourself to work harder or be better. You are simply drawn toward the future you’ve already experienced in your mind.

Most of us are stuck in push mode. We push ourselves out of bed. We push through the workday. We push to be positive. But pushing requires willpower, and willpower runs out.

Pulling is sustainable. Pulling is joyful. Pulling is how we build cathedrals, not just lay bricks.

The Cathedral Mindset

There’s an old story about two men laying bricks. One is miserable. The sun is hot. The work is hard. When asked what he’s doing, he snaps, “What does it look like? I’m laying bricks.”

The second man is almost running to get the next brick. He’s smiling. He’s energized. When asked what he’s doing, he says, “I’m building a cathedral.”

Same bricks. Same tools. Different vision.

If you don’t have a vision, your tasks are just tasks. They drain you. But when you know you’re building a cathedral—when you know that email you’re sending, that conversation you’re having, that boundary you’re setting is part of something sacred—the energy shifts.

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We sing about it, write poetry about it, and build our lives around finding it. But what is love, really? Is it merely a magical feeling, or is there a biological script quietly running behind the scenes?

Understanding love doesn’t ruin the romance—it restores choice. When you understand the chemistry at play, you can move from infatuation to lasting bond with awareness, becoming the architect of your relationship rather than a passenger swept along by the current.

1. Love: More Than a Face, More Than a Feeling

Love shows up in ways science can measure and mystics can feel. It’s a facial expression—the unmistakable “glow” when two people connect. It’s an energetic signal—a felt sense that can be present before a word is spoken or a touch is made. And at its core, love is a fundamental human need, as essential to emotional survival as food is to the body.

Recognizing love as multi-dimensional—biological, emotional, and energetic—is the first step to understanding its power.

2. The Three-Stage Chemical Cascade of Love

Falling—and staying—in love isn’t random. It follows a predictable three-stage chemical process in the brain and body.

Stage 1: The Spark (Lust)

This is the ignition phase, driven by testosterone and estrogen. It’s raw physical attraction—the spark that pulls two people together and sets everything in motion.

Stage 2: The Attraction (The Chemical High)

This is the intoxicating, obsessive phase fueled by a powerful neurochemical cocktail:

• Serotonin drops: Reduced self-control explains why we “fall” in love—logic softens and surrender increases.
• Dopamine spikes: The reward chemical. Every text, glance, or touch delivers a hit, creating euphoria and attachment.
• Norepinephrine (adrenaline) rises: Energy surges. Sleep and appetite diminish. Focus narrows. This rush can even temporarily override other negative habits.

Stage 3: The Attachment (The Bond)

For love to endure, attraction must evolve into attachment—governed by bonding chemicals:

• Oxytocin: The primary bonding hormone. Released through prolonged intimate touch (especially 20+ minutes of cuddling) and lovemaking, it builds trust, safety, and long-term connection.
• Vasopressin: Works alongside oxytocin, reinforcing pair-bonding and contributing to the sensation of emotional and physical closeness.

3. The Practical Power of This Knowledge

Why does this chemistry lesson matter? Because awareness restores agency.

Recognize the intoxication: During the Attraction phase, judgment is chemically impaired. Simply knowing this creates a pause between feeling and decision.

Choose with clarity: Use logic alongside chemistry. Select partners based on values, character, and compatibility—not just dopamine.

Cultivate the bond: The chemical high naturally fades. Long-term love requires intentional oxytocin-building habits—touch, closeness, presence, and shared rituals.

Navigate with empathy: This framework explains common dynamics: why people disappear when newly in love, why early passion feels addictive, and why effort is required to transition from excitement to enduring partnership.

Your life is a collection of patterns. From how you wake up in the morning to how you respond emotionally, from your career trajectory to the quality of your relationships, your results are driven by behavioral loops—some consciously designed, most unconsciously inherited. Master the patterns, and you master your life.

This chapter introduces a simple three-step process used by high performers across every domain: recognize patterns, utilize proven patterns, and ultimately create your own.

1. The Foundation: Pattern Recognition (See the Loops)

You cannot change what you cannot see. Pattern mastery begins with clear, honest observation—without judgment. Think like a forensic investigator, not a critic. Audit the patterns currently running your life on autopilot.

Physical Patterns: What do you consistently do with your body? Your movement, sleep, diet, and daily routines either compound health or quietly drain it. Patterns are never neutral.

Mental Patterns: Where does your mind habitually go when it’s unoccupied? Scrolling, worrying, replaying old stories—or learning, planning, rehearsing outcomes? Your mind’s default setting shapes your future.

Emotional Patterns: Do you react or do you respond? Most people are emotional pinballs, bounced by praise, criticism, and circumstance. The emotionally skilled practice volition. They choose their response. A negative comment becomes data, not damage.

Spiritual / Purpose Patterns: Are you living with intention or drift? This isn’t about religion—it’s about alignment. What patterns of reflection, gratitude, contribution, or service are present in your life?

Recognition is the courageous act of seeing what is, not what you wish were true.

2. The Accelerator: Pattern Utilization (Borrow What Works)

You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Success leaves clues. Once you recognize your patterns, the fastest path forward is to model better ones.

Find Your Mentor(s): Identify people who have the results you want. Study their habits, mindset, emotional responses, and decision-making frameworks.

Copy Consciously: As Tony Robbins teaches, modeling compresses decades into years. Borrowing patterns isn’t losing yourself—it’s installing proven software into your system.

The Competence Ladder: Every skill moves from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence. What feels awkward at first becomes automatic through repetition.

Utilization is the shortcut. It’s standing on the shoulders of giants.

3. The Breakthrough: Pattern Creation (Build Your Own Ocean)

Modeling alone eventually leads to crowded territory—the “red ocean.” True leadership requires pattern creation.

Innovate from Experience: Blend your strengths with what you’ve learned. What connections do you see that others miss? What problems remain unsolved?

Create a Blue (or Green) Ocean: Instead of competing harder, innovate smarter. This may look like a unique business model, a new coaching framework, or a lifestyle design that breaks convention.

The Architect’s Mindset: At this level, you are no longer a tenant inside borrowed systems—you become the architect. You test new loops, refine them, and eventually set the pattern for others.