Many women believe that if they are loved well enough, they will finally feel secure, whole, and at peace.

But here's the hard truth: love doesn't heal self-abandonment—it reveals it.

In this episode, Dr. Zoe explores why self-abandonment forms, how it shows up in romantic relationships, and why expecting love to fix it quietly sabotages intimacy. This conversation is compassionate, direct, and deeply hopeful, especially if you've ever felt loved yet still unseen, exhausted, or emotionally alone.

In This Episode, You'll Learn:

• Why self-abandonment is a learned survival strategy—not a character flaw
• How love activates self-abandonment rather than curing it
• The hidden ways self-abandonment disguises itself as being "easy," "loyal," or "low maintenance"
• How Complex Shame convinces women their needs are the problem
• Why expecting love to heal you turns relationships into emotional labor
• How your romantic patterns often mirror how you treat yourself
• What it actually means to choose yourself without blowing up your relationship
• Why healing self-abandonment requires grief—not just insight
• How small acts of self-return change the way love feels
• The hope: why self-abandonment can be unlearned—and how love becomes safer when you stop disappearing

A Gentle Reminder

You don't heal self-abandonment so someone will finally choose you.
You heal it so you stop leaving yourself—even when love gets hard.

Reflection Question

Where in your life are you staying quiet, flexible, or agreeable at the expense of your truth—and calling it love?

Resources & Next Steps:

Connect with me on Instagram @drzoeshaw for daily encouragement.

Subscribe to my newsletter for more conversations on healing, boundaries, and healthy love.

Order the book Stronger in the Difficult Places: drzoeshaw.com/book


Join the waitlist for Stronger Woman Collective: here

Free Downloads:

Download the Steps to Healing from Complex Shame™ PDF: here
Get the First Chapter of Stronger in the Difficult Places: here

If this episode spoke to you, please share it with a friend who needs hope in their relationships. And don't forget to subscribe to Stronger in the Difficult Places so you never miss an episode.

Do you ever feel like you have to be "right" in order to feel safe? Or that if you could just figure out the answer, the relationship, or the next step, then the anxiety and shame would finally go away?

If so, you're not alone. Many women stuck in co-dependency and complex shame cling to certainty as a way to feel secure—but often it only leaves us more exhausted, more disconnected, and further from ourselves.

In this episode of Stronger in the Difficult Places, I sit down with Stefani Ruper - Oxford-trained philosopher, former Harvard researcher, and author of the forthcoming book The Certainty Cure. Stefani shares why releasing certainty and embracing curiosity can transform the way we see ourselves, our relationships, and our healing journey.

We talk about:

• Why certainty addiction keeps women stuck in cycles of co-dependency and shame
• How uncertainty fuels personal growth and builds resilience
• What curiosity looks like in daily life (even in arguments or moments of shame)
• How to stay grounded when everything feels uncertain
• Practical ways to release the need to be right and rediscover who you are

If you're ready to stop chasing control and start healing by embracing the unknown, this conversation will give you hope and practical steps forward.

Connect with Stefani Ruper:
• Instagram: @stefani.ruper
• Facebook: facebook.com/stefani.ruper
• X: @stefaniruper
• Substack: stefaniruper.substack.com

Resources & Next Steps:

Join the Stronger Woman Collective waitlist: here

Connect with me on Instagram @drzoeshaw for daily encouragement.

Subscribe to my newsletter for more conversations on healing, boundaries, and healthy love.

Buy my book Stronger In The Difficult Places: here

Free Downloads:

Download the Steps to Healing from Complex Shame™ PDF: here
Get the First Chapter of Stronger in the Difficult Places: here

If this episode spoke to you, please share it with a friend and leave a review. Your reviews help more women untangle shame, break free from co-dependency, and discover the strength to live with curiosity.

We've all been there—wishing someone we love would finally be different. Maybe it's a spouse who won't listen, a parent who won't soften, or a friend who keeps repeating the same destructive patterns. The temptation is to pour our energy into fixing them—but what if the real path to peace and change begins with you?

In this episode, I unpack why clinging to the hope that someone will change can keep you stuck, frustrated, and resentful. I offer practical, compassionate steps for accepting people as they are, protecting your worth with boundaries, and reclaiming your peace.

Because the truth is, the second you change, the entire relationship changes.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

• Why trying to "fix" others only deepens disappointment and conflict
• How radical acceptance creates peace and clarity
• The trap of wasting energy on why someone won't change
• How to set boundaries without losing yourself
• The surprising freedom that comes when you stop needing others to change

Encouragement:

You don't need to wait for someone else to transform before you can breathe again. Peace doesn't come when they change—it comes when you stop needing them to.

Resources & Next Steps:

Connect with me on Instagram @drzoeshaw for daily encouragement.

Subscribe to my newsletter for more conversations on healing, boundaries, and healthy love.

Order the book Stronger in the Difficult Places: drzoeshaw.com/book

Free Downloads:

Download the Steps to Healing from Complex Shame™ PDF: here
Get the First Chapter of Stronger in the Difficult Places: here

If this episode spoke to you, please share it with a friend who needs hope in their relationships. And don't forget to subscribe to Stronger in the Difficult Places so you never miss an episode.