Ok, my l33t haxx0rz! We’ve got a major kludge to pen test here so let’s get to it. We’re going to hack this week’s episode of “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup,” 1992’s “Sneakers.” Coming off the “hacker mania” of the early 90’s (the Internet Worm, Operation: Sun-devil, and the horror that was “Mario Hotel”), this movie posits the frightfully tech-savvy question: “what if there was a magic box that could do magic things to every computer anywhere, all the time, in seconds?” So l33t! Very tech! Weird question? Well, what if some of the people who are trying to answer it are Robert Redford, Sidney Poitier, River Phoenix, and Mary McDonnell? No, seriously, those are just some of the big names in this cast. Surely the ever-so-computer-savvy minds of 1992 Hollywood would come up with something at least as believable as, oh, I don’t know, “Hackers,” right? They’ve got big, big names, so that’s got to be good, right? Well, give a listen and find out. End of line.

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Ok, ok . . . easy . . . slow and steady does it. Now the electronics of this lock are TEMPEST-resistant, so we’re going to have to handle this old school. The molybdenum magnets should help with that; the glass packs and the relockers rule out any brute force methods so this is going to have to be surgical. No, don’t be an idiot; using soup is out of the question, and so is bumping the rig. Set up the diamond-tip drill but keep the tungsten carbide bit handy. Once we get past the outers, the thermic lance should get us through the inner reinforced barrier. Good, good. Hey, relax! You wanted the best Peter man available and you got him! Let’s be calm. Let’s be professional. Panic is the enemy. Just remember the payoff; there’s thirty million inside this . . . yes! We got it! Get the satchels ready, we’re . . . wait a sec . . . what’s that smell? Those don’t look like stacks of money . . . they look like . . . oh no . . . it’s not thirty million dollars! It’s thirty million kabookies! What do you mean, “how much is that in U.S. dollars?” Nothing! Kabookies are pancakes! DAMMIT! Well, let’s hope the cast of this week’s “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup” have better luck with their score. They’ve certainly got a heck of a team assembled: Robert Deniro, Edward Norton, and Marlon Freakin’ Brando! Plus, they’ve got Angela Bassett. How can they go wrong? Give a listen and find out!

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Welcome to our series “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup”! Now, we’ve never met before, have we? Of course not, ha ha! I have in my hand an ordinary deck of playing cards, an electric chainsaw, and a plucked, uncooked goose. I want you to choose a card, any card . . . good, good, don’t show it to me, just memorize it. Now put it here into the goose’s anal cavity. No, no it’s fine, no need for that look. Terrific! How about a hand for our volunteer folks?! Aren’t they great? Now, over here we have a perfectly live ordinary pony. You’re going to use that chainsaw to saw this pony in half while I hang from my nostrils over . . . excuse me? The card and the goose? Oh, no that has nothing to do with this trick; that was just . . . for me. Now . . . where are you going? You’re worried about the trick? Don’t worry! I’m perfectly safe! The pony . . . .? I’m perfectly safe! Wait, come back . . . dang it, I still don’t see how any of this is supposed to help me rob a bank but today’s movie “Now You See Me” should give you a better idea, despite its complete lack of pony mutilation. How do they do it? It’s magic! F you!

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