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Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I do that… again?”

You care. You love them. You want it to work. And yet when things get intense, you shut down, go quiet, and disappear emotionally.

In this episode of Love Shack Live, we unpack what avoidance really is (hint: it’s not a character flaw) and why shutting down is often a nervous system protection strategy that once worked really well… but now costs you connection.

You’ll learn what’s happening inside the avoidant partner, why the anxious partner panics when the conversation goes silent, and how this dynamic can trap both people in a loop of pressure, withdrawal, and resentment.

Most importantly, we’ll show you a different path: building emotional safety and emotional capacity in small, practical steps so you can come back to the table without spiraling or disappearing.

Because shutting down isn’t who you are. It’s what you learned.

And you can learn something new.

In This Episode, We Cover

• Why emotional withdrawal is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown
• The real reason avoidance happens (and why it can feel like danger in the body)
• What anxious partners often do in response, and why it accidentally makes things worse
• How both partners end up in “shutdown” in different ways
• The shift from courtroom energy (punishment + certainty) to classroom energy (curiosity + skill-building)
• What emotional safety actually is (and why it’s not the same as comfort)
• A simple “start here” practice: rebuilding safety in 5-minute rounds
• A quick emotional temperature check (1–10) to know when you’re resourced enough to talk
• How to get support if you’re stuck in the avoidant/anxious loop

Timestamps:

03:08 Debunking the ‘They Don’t Care’ Story: Everyone Can Be Avoidant

04:13 What Shutdown Feels Like in the Body (A Real-Life Example)

07:42 Pressure Makes It Worse: The Partner’s Panic & the Stories We Make Up

08:40 Anxious vs. Avoidant: Opposite Coping Styles Collide

09:48 The CPR Metaphor: Why Reassurance Can Feel Suffocating

11:55 Shame, Self-Judgment, and the Spiral on Both Sides

21:52 The Real Goal: Regulate First, Then Come Back to the Table

25:54 ‘Understand Me First’: How Conversations Turn Into Fights

27:55 Be the First to Listen: How One Person Can De‑escalate the Fight

28:56 Understanding Isn’t Contagious: Compassion for Anxious vs. Avoidant Dynamics

30:57 Stop Making Up Stories: Get the ‘Intel’ From the Person, Not Your Head

33:12 The Consensus Trap: Why Friends & Social Media Can’t Explain Your Partner

35:45 “They Don’t Deserve It” vs. “You Do”: Regulate for Your Own Sake

38:18 Courtroom vs. Classroom: Trade Punishment for Curiosity (and the Lightbulb Moment)

41:32 Emotional Safety 101: It’s Uncomfortable, Triggering, and Still Necessary

42:28 The Safety ‘Cheat Sheet’: Slow, Skillful Back‑and‑Forth (5 Minutes at a Time)

50:09 Wrap-Up + Get Support: Key Takeaways, Next Episode, and Clarity Call

52:05 Emotional Capacity ‘Temperature Check’ + Closing Rituals

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Sometimes the most meaningful collaborations don’t start as collaborations at all.

Marnie and Patrick originally came to Staci as clients. Two passionate, creative humans who loved each other deeply, but could feel that love alone wasn’t going to carry them through blended family stress, real-life pressure, and the places where communication gets messy.

Fast forward, and they’re not only thriving, they’re living proof of what happens when people learn skills they were never taught.

In this conversation, we sit down with Marnie and Patrick to talk about the real work of building a relationship that lasts: emotional safety, voice, honest repair, and learning how to stay close even when life is loud.

In this episode, we talk about:

• How “magic” can be real and still not be enough on its own
• The moment you hit the bottom of your bag of tricks and realize you need skills
• The “gap” where assumptions grow and relationships drift (and how to close it)
• What changes when you learn to say the thing… kindly, clearly, and without exploding
• Why emotional safety is the foundation for blended families, grief, and big life transitions
• Novelty vs. grounding: how couples stop fighting their differences and start using them
• A simple but powerful truth: nobody completes you, but the right partnership can expand you
• Why so many people hit a crisis around 40, and what’s actually happening underneath it
• The difference between a “travel itinerary” and an experience that helps you remember you like each other

Want to join us in Tuscany? We’re co-creating a couples retreat in a thousand-year-old castle in Tuscany, Italy. It’s part romance, part relationship skills, part sensory reset. Slow mornings, incredible food, a space that helps you exhale, and daily relationship sessions designed to bring you back to each other.

Book/save your room (only 7 couples): https://stacibartley.com/couples-retreat

Want to taste what Marnie + Patrick create? You can order Solstice Savory Pies online (they ship nationwide) and bring a little “break bread together” energy to your own kitchen.

Order here: https://solsticesavorypies.com/

Want support choosing what’s next? If you’re not sure what you need right now, book a clarity call and we’ll help you find your best next step.

Clarity Call: https://stacibartley.com/apply

And if this episode moved you, share it with someone you care about. Human to human is how this work spreads.

Timestamps:

04:05 Navigating Blended Families
05:54 Transformative Relationship Skills
08:08 Balancing Individuality and Partnership
14:13 The Challenges of Modern Relationships
20:47 Generational Perspectives on Relationships
29:15 Gratitude for Supportive Partners
30:29 A Strong Partnership
30:52 Tuscany Retreats: A Journey Begins
32:18 The Magic of the Castle
33:50 Immersive Experiences
36:25 Slowing Down in Tuscany
38:12 Etruscan History and Exploration
42:48 Creating Forever Memories
54:46 Savory Pies and Final Thoughts

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When a new year starts, a lot of people quietly hope their relationship will feel lighter by now.

Less tension.

Less distance.

Fewer conversations that end in the same painful place.

But if it still feels hard to get through to each other, this episode is your reminder that you’re not broken and you’re not alone.

In this conversation, we unpack the skill that quietly determines whether your conversations create connection or turn into conflict: emotional regulation.

Because most couples don’t actually need “better communication” first.

They need more emotional stability first.

You’ll learn why emotional regulation is the gateway skill that makes every other relationship tool work, especially when life feels intense, stressful, or unsafe and your nervous system is already carrying too much.

In this episode, we cover:

• Why “we should just talk it through” often backfires when emotions are high
• How stress and uncertainty show up as tone, impatience, and quick reactivity at home
• The missing concept most couples never learned: emotional capacity (and how it impacts conflict)
• How emotional regulation works in real life, using the “emotional plank” metaphor
• The tiny moment where everything changes: catching tension early enough to choose a different response
• A practical reframe that can stop escalation fast: shifting from “don’t want” language to “want” language
• Why emotional regulation is not “being nice,” “stuffing it,” or “letting things slide”
• What to do when you feel like you’re the only one doing the work (and why it still matters)
• A simple practice to build your regulation reps: short rounds of listening, even when you disagree
• A challenge you can try today: a literal plank to connect the body to emotional tension and build awareness

Key takeaway

If conversations keep collapsing, it’s often not because you don’t love each other.

It’s because your nervous systems are overloaded and you’re trying to have hard conversations without the foundation that makes them safe.

Stability first. Clarity second.

Need help getting unstuck?

If you feel like you’re living at the edge of capacity and you can’t find clarity inside the conflict, book a free Clarity Call. It’s a short, supportive conversation to help you slow down, feel seen, and get clear on your next step.

Schedule here: stacibartley.com/apply

Timestamps:

04:00 The Importance of Emotional Safety at Home
08:03 Emotional Capacity and Resilience
13:07 Practical Examples of Emotional Regulation
18:06 The Power of Choice in Emotional Tension
21:45 Focusing on Solutions, Not Problems
26:23 The Impact of Emotional Awareness on Relationships
28:05 Navigating Relationship Tensions
29:45 Holding Tension for Yourself
32:07 The Power of Demonstrated Behavior
33:32 Practical Steps for Emotional Capacity
35:35 Slowing Down in High-Stress Moments
42:16 Building Emotional Awareness
44:56 The Importance of Emotional Regulation
50:28 Creating Safe Spaces in Relationships