LTN 48 - Kentucky Steve copertina

LTN 48 - Kentucky Steve

LTN 48 - Kentucky Steve

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Love Thy Neighbor: Episode Notes Episode: "Kentucky Steve" Hosts: Tom Vann, Colette Fehr, Dan Dennis | Guest: None Sponsors / Ad Reads No sponsor segments or ad reads in this episode. Segment Rundown Cold open: credentials check. The hosts list what qualifies them. One was forklift certified in the early 2000s, one is a Universal Life Church reverend, and Colette has been a licensed relationship therapist for almost 15 years. They joke about their UCF degrees: an interdisciplinary studies degree and a business degree from before the internet. Colette shares that she started as an English and communication double major at Flagler and finished communication at UCF. Getting a reluctant partner to therapy. Listeners have written in about partners who resist couples therapy. The hosts note the stereotype that men are usually the reluctant ones. Tom says he felt that way years ago with Crystal. They have been together 20+ years since they were teenagers, and he worried that going to therapy meant they were headed for divorce. Not all therapy is equal. Colette says some people resist because they had a bad experience before. Couples therapy done by someone without specific training can do harm. She stresses researching therapists and finding one trained to work with two people and two truths at once. How to broach it. Her advice is to be open, honest and vulnerable. Frame therapy around how important the relationship is, ask how your partner feels, offer to do the research, and ask for just one session. She says more men are reaching out to her than when she started, and many tell her it's nothing like they expected. Don't ring the alarm bell. A host admits he tends to treat small problems as emergencies and compares it to a computer crapping out before an edit. The group agrees that urgency triggers divorce fear. The advice is to raise therapy during a calm moment, not mid-fight or as a threat. Fear of being the bad guy. Colette promotes emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT), which is based on attachment science, as the evidence-based gold standard, and says it doesn't take sides. Tom says he expected to face his wife plus "her lawyer." Instead he found a neutral mediator. The hosts joke about him then trying to keep the therapist on his side. Life in waves. Tom says relationships have highs and lows, and the goal is to spend more time in the middle. Therapy can even out the extreme bad stretches. Colette talks about "raw spots" from past wounds and plugs her book The Cost of Quiet. She explains that people tend to pick partners very different from themselves. As a big extrovert, she has almost always ended up with quieter partners. Finding the right fit. Look for specific couples training, ask which model a therapist uses, and make sure both partners click with them. Colette offers listeners referrals if she isn't the right fit. A host says most therapists he contacted readily referred him elsewhere. Colette notes clients often say she was the only one who responded, and says providing referrals is an ethical standard. Role play: "the game's on." A host plays a dismissive husband who refuses therapy, then floats Zoom therapy as a compromise. Colette says she doesn't do consultation calls or meet-and-greets and prefers clients come to her office. She does use Zoom for clients in other parts of the state and through her coaching company. The 11th hour. When a relationship is really struggling, Colette says to get honest without threatening. She cites a stat that over 70% of divorces are initiated by women, rising to about 90% among college-educated women, which gets a joke about college. She describes men who are only ready to work on things after their wife has seen a lawyer. Her point: if a partner asks for therapy, they're still fighting for the relationship. Hard things are valuable. A host is complimented for seeing value in difficult things like workouts and long business hours. The group suggests applying the same reframe to relationships. Enter Kentucky Steve. Colette mentions her husband, who is in his 60s and grew up on a farm in Kentucky, and says he probably wouldn't have done therapy if he hadn't married a therapist. The hosts riff on the character "Kentucky Steve": tractors, quiet coffee on the porch, snapping beans. They declare it the episode name. Busyness as identity. A host brings up a clip from Insights from the Couch about work-life balance and retirement. He relates to staying busy as his whole "dad personality" and admits he doesn't know what "taking care of yourself" means. Colette ties this to "gray divorce." Divorce is down among younger people but rising for those over 50, often after years on autopilot focused on kids and work. Relationships as plants. Colette compares a relationship to a potted plant, or even an orchid, that can't be neglected for decades. There are side jokes about one host loving plants and hating succulents, and Colette admits she has a black ...
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