Hey there! Today we’re going to be doing a Cancer Chronicles episode… unless I get completely derailed, which could happen. Seriously, this is the third attempt at recording this episode.The first time I was interrupted by my dog.The second time I was interrupted by my bowels.

This is a story that I really don’t want to tell. But I keep hearing it in my head… and every time I tell it to someone close to me, they laugh. So here we go!

Welcome to Episode 2This episode is about my first surveillance CT scan after cancer treatment wearing a body that doesn’t have a rhythm yet. Two months out from an ileostomy closure and I still don’t know when I’m going to go to the bathroom, what it’s going to be like, or how long I’m going to be in there.

The CT scan required an hour drive while fasting, and an iodine contrast. Let’s just say, my body went bonkers resulting in two Walmart bathroom stops and so much time spent on the toilet that I realized that Walmart has its own radio station.

We also get into:

* the difference between worry, anxiety, and concern

* what it means to listen to your body (or not listen to your body)

* and how healing doesn’t always look the way you think it will

Sometimes survivorship looks like just trying to make it home and being kind to yourself when your body has other plans.

This s**t happens.Like… it literally happens.Lova ya!Jenni

No sponsors or a big machine behind this—just me. So, if you want to help keep the truth flowing, send a little digital love my way via venmo @jenni-tooley, zelle/paypal using jennitooley@gmail.com, or become a freaking awesome subscriber at www.jennitooley.com

Hi darlin! We’re finally back! It took me long enough! We’re here with Season 5 of the podcast! This podcast has had so many names that I’m not even going to throw one out there for you right now, but I will tell you that this season is about Cancer Survivorship. Because I am now a cancer survivor!

This season is for anyone who has ever thought, “Shouldn’t I be better by now?” And for the people who love us, too. The ones who may not realize that the crisis can be over, but the recovery is still very much happening.

Welcome to Episode 1In this episode, I talk about what it means to have a complete response to cancer treatment and still be very much in recovery. My bloodwork looks good. My scans look good. The cancer is gone. And yet I am still dealing with bowel issues, fatigue, fear, and the very real question of how exactly I am supposed to function like a normal person when my body clearly did not get that memo.

I also talk about the support drop off that happens after treatment ends. During cancer, there is a team. There are specialists. There are grants. There is support. Then suddenly you are in survivorship, still dealing with the fallout, and a whole lot of people and systems seem to think you should be fine now.

I’m not sharing this to be dramatic. I’m sharing it because people need to understand this part. Just because we are cancer-free does not mean we are back to normal.

Here’s the quick lowdown:

* what a complete response actually means after rectal cancer treatment

* life after chemo, radiation, surgery, ileostomy, and ileostomy reversal

* the reality of bowel dysfunction and urgency in post-treatment recovery

* what happened when I literally could not trust my body in public

* why survivorship after cancer can still be physically and emotionally hard

* the gap between looking well and actually being well

* Social Security disability and the impossible logic of proving you are not fully functional

* why recovery needs a new support team, even after treatment ends

Love you lots,Jenni

Keep the poop talk coming and the candid truth about living with cancer in the open by supporting me via Venmo @jenni-tooley, via paypal/zelle using jennitooley@gmail.com or becoming a subscriber here at www.jennitooley.com

(Transcribed from the audio so you can read or listen or read and listen!)

Hello, hello:)

I just wanted to take a moment here —just a little pocket of quiet time.

I know you’re rushing to get to the next thing,and yes, I am absolutely impeding your progress.I’m not going to apologize for that.

Instead, I’m inviting you to just sit here with me.For a couple of minutes.

No guided relaxation.No meditation.We’re not going to do anything.We’re just going to hang.

Getting itchy yet?Yeah… I get that.It’s hard to sit still sometimes —especially when the world feels like it’s going crazyand Apple keeps changing the iOS on my phone.

So many things to figure out.So many problems to solve.Mine. Yours. The world’s.

…But maybe I don’t have to.Maybe you don’t have to either.

What if — just for now —we didn’t fix a single thing?What if we just sat here and took three breaths?

(pause for breath)

Wow.You have no idea how many times I wanted to break that silence.But I didn’t.

Were you breathing too?I’m glad I stayed quiet —because now, I actually feel different.

The mechanics of that are real —it’s the nervous system,the stress response,the breath.

I hear things differently now.I see things differently.I’m here.

So —come back to this anytime you want.Sit with me. Hang with me.Maybe even make a habit out of it.

See what happens.Do a little experiment.

Know that you are loved.And until we breathe again…

Just be.