This is the 100th Episode of the podcast. And for 100 episodes it has been the goal to help parents understand their children so as to create a validating environment as well as a foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing. In this episode, Leslie and Dale focus on how to make attending to the relationship with your child a high priority especially when there are escalating emotions. What’s the goal of your interactions with your child? Today’s episode explores the three goals of interpersonal situations from Dialectic Behavior Therapy as well as the six levels of validation.

Time Stamps

3:38 What are the three goals of interpersonal situations

• The objective of the situation - balancing the short term vs long term
• Attending to your self-respect
• Attending to the relationship and how the person would feel after the interaction

9:56 Escalating emotions is an indication that you may need to change your priority of the three goals

10:10 When the relationship is the number one priority in order to create the foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing

11:53 Why is validation so important and what does it mean

• Validation is acknowledgment, not agreement
• Parents need to practice “biting their tongue” so as not to invalidate your child

16:20 Discussion of invalidation - Dale’s personal experience

18:25 Mysophonia is a diagnosis that validates the sensory overwhelm that some children/people feel

21:20 The respect you give your child will in turn often lead your child to respect you.

22:58 Beware of double down on getting your objective met when misbehavior shows up.

23:50 Change course means changing your priority from the objective to the relationship

24:34 The Six Levels of Validation

25:20 Level one: Paying attention

26:41 Level two: Reflect back

27:54 Level three: Reading minds

30:42 Level four: Understanding

32:16 Level five: Acknowledge the valid

33:32 Level six: Show equality

35:10 Choosing the level of validation that works is up to the individual and the situation

36:56 Examples of Functional Validation

38:30 Use the phrase: “What I just said might have felt invalidating to you” when someone gets upset with something you might have said

39:10 Match your intention with the impact

Leslie-ism: I want to say to parents: it's our job to take the first step forward.

Resources:

Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout on Validation including the Six Levels of Validation

Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations Worksheet

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Picture this, you have three children, it’s summer vacation and all the routines have changed and now your extended family is coming for a visit. Sounds great and getting irritable and frustrated is also really understandable. In today’s third and final session with Karen, who is a mother of three children, she is asking herself the question: Shouldn’t this be easier? The discussion also focuses on understanding the "people pleaser" the sensitive child, and some of the myths that we believe about ourselves and others. Karen and her husband are bothered by her son's passion for watching animals fighting which is something we unpack through dialectic thinking and curiosity.

Time Stamps

3:22 Understanding factors contributing to a parent’s irritability and frustration and what to do about it

5:00 How to respond to stress and anxiety?

6:49 Take a look at your “core beliefs” which can be myths or mistaken beliefs.

8:15 Parents have an opportunity to break a generational cycle of judgment or shame

10:46 Do you believe everything you think?

11:16 Shame and Blame often go hand in hand.

• Shame makes us feel vulnerable and blame can be something we do when we feel vulnerable
• The urge to hide is associated with shame
• Anger is a secondary emotion to the shame

13:28 Guilt vs Shame distinction

15:10 People pleaser don’t want other people to get upset (another core belief)

• People pleaser who worries about judgments
• Challenging our mistaken beliefs

20:05 A thought substitution is a way of changing your perspective

22:25 “Finding another interpretation” game

26:36 Coping skills can “calm you down” and distract you

27:00 The difference between distress tolerance skills and emotion regulation skills

• Distress tolerance skills - go slow - tolerate the emotion without making things worse
• Emotion regulation skills - check the facts skill and challenging myths skill

28:05 When the environment doesn’t fully understand a sensitive person it can feel invalidating -

30:52 Discussion about her son who watches animal fighting videos and what that means

• Ask the question…when does it work? and when does it not work?
• Physical touch, compression can be soothing to a child’s nervous system
• Go below the surface to understand your child’s interests and behaviors

38:20 Discussion of vulnerabilities and prompting events

39:20 A DBT Assumption: People are doing the best they can with the skills they have in the present moment AND people need to do better

40:45 Finding balance between acceptance and asking what can I/you do differently next time?

43:28 Compassion and gratitude are essential for parents.

Leslie-ism: You and your kids are doing the best you can with the skills you have at the present moment.

Resources:

Kristin Neff’s video: The Three Components of Self-Compassion

Tara Brach’s Resources and Meditations on Gratitude

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

Parenting is a work in progress and the idea that you get to learn as you go is essential. In today’s episode Karen, who is eager to learn returns for her second session as we unpack the complexities of parent-child relationships of her three children. Karen is seeking advice on how to raise resilient children, how to set limits when it feels like your daughter’s best friend talks back to adults and when your kids fight in the grocery store. Understanding who your child is and understanding the situation you are dealing with can change your perspective and guide your parenting skills.

Time Stamps

3:10 Helping get kids off technology can range from connecting to your child to changing your expectations.

4:18 The change in the parents behavior can have a direct impact on what the child does

5:25 Changing your perspective from what the child is doing to you vs what’s happening to the child

7:39 Change takes time - manage your expectations

9:08The difference between authoritative vs authoritarian - Learning to be comfortable with your authority as a parent

12:20 Human interaction is complex - assess the contributing factors including your child's vulnerabilities, expectations and beliefs

14:35 Missed opportunities - its like missing a train - there will be another one

16:19 Be “REAL” with your kids

17:33 Name the elephant in the room - verbalize what’s going on

18:35 Put your foot on the brake - Stop trying to teach/rationalize and put your foot on the validation gas pedal

19:20 Expand your thinking - be more flexible - get rid of stereotypes

20:10 Stop after the validation - don’t talk so much

22:20 Parenting is often counterintuitive

24:24 Practice taking a non-judgmental stance

25:29 DON'T change the limit - Validate and help them express themselves more accurately - with plenty of examples

28:25 FACE the challenge instead of avoiding the challenge

• Story of community service - giving back to others

31:37 How to raise resilient kids and teach them to cope with life's struggles

36:40 Reinforcement - acknowledge what they experienced rather than praise

37:28 Coping skills are designed to keep the problem from getting worse (or from escalating) and learning to tolerate the discomfort

• 5,5,5, Skills -5 things you hear, 5 things you see, 5 things you feel

Resources:

• ACCEPTS Skill in Dialectic Behavior Therapy
• IMPROVE Skill in Dialectic Behavior Therapy
• Self-Soothe Skill in Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Leslie-ism: The road to happiness is knowing how to handle the life’s struggles

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecoh`podcasts/ . Yo u can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by