Being kicked out four times your senior year at eighteen, many would say you deserve it or it should be that way. Christmas is just another excuse for individuals like this to do these awful things. I’m not innocent and I did make my mistakes, but I never deserved this, walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then a year later you meet up for it only to be about them. Flip the story to make them look innocent, then two years later you end the relationship. No part of you could ever go back to places that still haunt you. You don’t care about the senior reunion because you will never be there. You left for a reason. Going to college during your senior year was the best decision you made. Disappearing was the best option you made because either no one would believe you or it wasn’t a big deal. Why you’re out on your own you have freedom and you will never go back to memories that destroyed you.

I will always support the education system, but I have had my fair share of teachers who hated me, who didn't like me and wanted to see me fail or they would do illegal things that would cost them their license. I was never the perfect student, I made mistakes, hurt others and had to learn the hard way from many things I did. With many teachers taking the side of the bully, then playing the victim when the truth came out or acting nice because you got caught. It's not my problem that your true intentions were exposed, and don't think I forgot either. You are enough, don't let a grown adult tell you nothing will ever happen for you, that they try to fail you illegally and lie when they get caught. You are enough and you will be someone someday. All of us make mistakes and none of us are perfect, but many of us choose to learn from our mistakes instead of lying and hurting innocent people. Lying on your resume that you have the qualifications to be a professor at a technical college and also trying to pull illegal moves on several students, not just you. It's too late now to apologize now, you didn't destroy any of us, you went to jail because you committed a crime. That only the technical college had to apologize on your behalf but many schools you attended had to apologize. Even the unit the commander was part of, their own representative had to apologize for someone else's actions. Each profession will have some sour fruit, some will give dirty looks, talk bad about you. That's a them issue not an you issue, the choice is yours if you want to break and destroy everything or make it better.

So the story goes, the mother I never had. My biological mother had me when she was eighteen years old. I was left in an apartment for three days until a police officer came and gave me to an orphanage for a year. Being born in Ukraine then adopted and brought over to the United States Of America. Which took seven days, the journey turned out sweet to brutal. The father is the only one that you are close to, you don’t see him as your adopted dad. He just your dad. Fortunate to be here, a story I was told two women the first year had lettuce, water and peanut butter. The second year they only had lettuce and water. My adopted parents gave them the two large jars of peanut butter that they had to these two women. A story that has stuck with me and where I came from. Ukraine will always be my home town and I will always remember my roots. The toughest part is knowing my hometown was destroyed on national tv and I was treated like I didn’t belong here or had the right to be here. Many have several cars and houses, be thankful instead of arrogant about it. You have clean water and air condition, when many don’t have enough to survive. One country would give there shirt of their back, while the other country the majority of them are full of arrogance. Until you know what it’s like to come from nothing, keep your mouth shut. You have no experience or know what are you talking about.

Four years of no contact, you will never hear from me. There is a reason why I left. I'm not sorry that my pain was such an imposition. Walking on eggshells, being judged and criticized for everything that I did. I gave up trying to be understood and why everything still hurts. It's just a broken record that stays on repeat. I am done explaining myself. You think all of this is for sympathy or it's made up, but I don't care what you think. None of this is for sympathy or that it's made up. I just don't want no one else to go through what I had to go through.

I’ll rise from ashes, I always have. God found me, in my darkest moment. I’m not afraid of fire, when my whole world was on fire. Being sexually, mentally, physically and verbally abused by someone two weeks before I was thirteen. I wasn’t related to this person and I never blamed my parents, but I was still blamed for it. Being baptized six months after this, the guilt was eating me alive. A lifetime will never heal the pain, when the flashbacks come back when I least expect it. No one speaks up about the “survivals guilt” because we are never taken seriously or it’s just for sympathy, so we choose to suffer in silence instead. This type of trauma is a form of ptsd and can trigger Fibromyalgia. My life is more peaceful but it doesn’t mean that the damage doesn’t remain. I chose to share my life to be a survivals guide to help others.

ME/CFS, Fibromyalgia, Endomentrosis, the list goes on, there days I run out of faith. Many battles I didn’t choose, I was given. Disappearing was what I did best, no replying and being distant was what I did best. The holidays became a painful part of my life. Things I once enjoyed, I didn’t enjoy anymore. The toughest part was that no one understood. Either being dizzy, cold or hot or hot or cold, being stiff all over or in a lot of pain, many thought it was for show or sympathy when I been dealing with this for years. The grief of not only losing who I use to be and what I could use to do, also loosing the ones close to you was life changing. Experiencing many deaths that you never saw coming, your whole world flipped upside down. “It is what it is” If you don’t have haters then you aren’t doing something right. The anchor was going within in me to anchor myself with the chaos and many battles I faced. The survivor of strength, a warrior and a Phoenix.

Being bullied or harassed when you are a kid, teenager or even an adult. Nothing changes about the bully, it’s either out of envy or jealousy. You are not hurting me, you only hurt yourself. Digging a hole that you can’t get out of but you blame everyone else for your own actions instead of taking accountability. Cheating your way through school or copying someone else just shows you have no personality. Tell me something girl, even through the pain and heartache. You never treated the ones who hurt you the same way. You did stand up for yourself. They are angry now because they have a criminal record and they can’t handle the consequences of their actions. They are only sorry because they got caught. While you are living in misery and still playing the victim, many of us have healed but will never forget the pain you put us through. Your lies will always come to light. What you try to hide will always come to light. Now that you have a track record, was it really worth it in the end to destroy your life over lies and hate? You have no one to blame but yourself. Once a bridge is burned you can no longer fix it or come back. Many of us will forgive ourselves but not you, because you will take it as a victory. It’s okay to not forgive them but you do need to forgive yourself. You matter in the end and it’s time to put yourself first.