Most parents set out with the best of intentions to prepare their children for the world. Of course, our actions and behaviors don’t always have the intended effect. Parenting is hard, and sometimes we screw up in ways that damage our kids and our relationships with them.

So what do we do with our parenting regrets?

Today, comedian Ash Diggs joins us to talk about the regret and repair in parent-child relationships, using the classic Harry Chapin tear-jerker “Cat’s in the Cradle” as our jumping-off point. We dig into why that song hits some of us so hard, how class and race impact parental survival brain, and the evolution of parent-child relationships when everyone is willing to look at themselves and try something new.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How parents’ focus on achievement and stability can affect mental health and relationships
• Why turning real-life pain into comedy can be a double-edged sword
• How his parents’ willingness to engage in hard conversations has allowed their relationship to positively evolve
• The not-so-simple relationship between material safety and psychological safety

Learn more about Ash Diggs:

• Instagram: @ashdiggs_

Learn more about Gillian Boudreau, PhD.:

• Website

Learn more about Rob Galligan, PhD.:

• Instagram @dr.robert.galligan

Resources:

• Harry Chapin - Cat's In The Cradle
• The Autobiography of Malcolm X

Survival brain is a universal feature of parenting. When our inner cave person is activated, fear dominates, as we worry about our kid’s ability to survive a dangerous world. When survival brain comes online, everything is an emergency, our ability to think rationally is short-circuited, and molehills become mountains. As our brains quickly spiral, we imagine that the kid who isn’t doing his homework tonight will be doomed to a lifetime of failure and destitution.

While the threat-mitigation behavior coded in our DNA helps us protect our offspring from the most dire threats, it prevents us from accessing the patience and perspective we need for everyday kid problems. Survival brain eats up our mental resources when activated, and once it’s firing we can’t get to our wiser mind no matter how hard we try.

So what is a modern parent with a cave person brain supposed to do? How do we quiet the huge reactions we have to family problems that are big, but not dire? How do we know when a threat actually is dangerous enough to warrant an emergency response? How do we tame the survival brain so it will leave enough juice to run our wisdom-centers?

Today we’ll talk about how primal survival instincts operate for parents. We’ll talk about how survival brain drives parents’ actions and how kids’ mental health struggles are rooted in their need to feel safe. We will also discuss how therapy helps parents navigate through even the most difficult moments with their kids, including school refusal, substance abuse, and eating disorders.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• The way survival instincts block our ability to access higher-level thinking
• How survival brain distorts reality, causes disproportionate reactions, and spreads to others
• A reframe for shifting perspective and limiting scope to right here, right now
• How therapy gives parents a space to speak the unspeakable, and how that disrupts unhealthy family dynamics
• The role of making sense of seemingly impossible situations, which enables new perspectives and opens up solutions to even the stickiest problems
• How talk therapy creates a foundation of safety and understanding that other modalities (like CBT and DBT) build on for comprehensive treatment plans
• What parents can do when things are stable to support family regulation and wellbeing

Learn more about Gillian Boudreau, PhD.:

• Website
  
  

Learn more about Rob Galligan, PhD.:

• Instagram @dr.robert.galligan
  
  

If you came into our therapy rooms, we definitely would be asking you about your family of origin. It’s where it all starts.

As psychologists who work with families and who are currently raising kids, we’re obsessed with how childhood experiences impact caregiving, and how parenting transforms us. Where did our parents come from? How were they raised? How did they bring us up? And how do we parent our kids as a consequence of our family history? These are the questions that hold the key to what we do well and where we trip up as humans and as parents.

In today’s episode, we’re talking about our experiences of being kids, how forces like career and financial stability impact raising kids, what our kids have taught us “on the job,” and the role of grandparent energy in parenting.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How social and cultural environments influence parenting norms, implicitly and explicitly
• Our very different takes on being only children, and a commonality that bonded us
• How experiencing survival mode as adults brought new context to our relationships with our parents
• Why addressing the fears that activate survival brain is essential for being the kind of parents we want to be
• Our biggest unlocks as parents, and where we still struggle with the pressure to be perfect

Learn more about Gillian Boudreau, PhD.:

• Website

Learn more about Rob Galligan, PhD.:

• Instagram @dr.rob.galligan

Resources:

• The Parent Whisperer https://theparentwhispererny.com/about-susan/
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish