UnBecoming Part 5: How to Fail (May 20, 2026)

Your whole life, you've felt this urgency. Not like you were running out of time, but that you only had a certain amount of time to figure it out. To remember what you couldn't seem to remember. What always felt just out of reach. What others seemed to didn't care about or even know of. They were busy living life and having friends. You didn't have many growing up (you don't have any now).

Your mom said you rarely smiled, and all you wanted to do was be alone with your books. You began reading esoteric and mystical literature by the age of seven. You were doing practices to get out of your body, to find out what was beyond your body, by age ten. Staring into mirrors, at that reflection, looking back down at that body, knowing it wasn't you. CONTINUE >>>

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UnBecoming Part 4.3- The Last Morning (May 19, 2026)

"How are you?"

When someone is secretly struggling, barely holding it together, smiling for the world, wearing the mask, playing the role, fighting for their Light, dropping those three words with actual presence, can decimate their entire structure. And on that final morning of the retreat, those were the words that broke the silence. They didn't come from a person, but from the empty room, from the full silence, appearing as a person, your teacher. Appearing as a polished mirror. You looked up to answer, but saw. You burst into tears. You sobbed. Finally.

That morning, as you and the other meditators gathered, among whom were your partner and your favorite cousin, you didn't choose your usual spot on the floor. You were disgusted. You were angry, humiliated. Your eyes were swollen from crying the night before. You were ready to go. So instead of your perfect lotus posture, sitting deep into the room right in front of the teacher, like the good student, you sat near the door, in a chair. You defiantly, and passive-aggressively, meditated in a chair. CONTINUE >>>

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UnBecoming Part 4.1 - The Blue Book (May 18, 2026)

Every major change in your life has been preceded by, and in hindsight, likely predicted by the arrival of a certain blue book. You used to think you were the one finding the book, buying the book, reading the book, remembering to take the Name again, giving the book away again, forgetting the Name again, life falling apart again, finding the book, buying the book... you finally saw the pattern. It only took three cycles. Two incarnations, two different versions of yourself to catch on to the game. CONTINUE >>>

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UnBecoming Part 4 - California Love (May 17, 2026)

Your only trips to California had been to L.A. To the Hills. To Grammy parties. Red carpets. Album releases. VIP sections. Celebrity culture. You've squeezed so many incarnations into this one. So many stories. Many of which have dissolved entirely. The only thing you can recall consistently now is the Name of God. When you bump into pictures of those previous iterations of yourself, it's very dreamlike. The past is very dreamlike. CONTINUE >>>

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UnBecoming Part 3.3 - The Hand You Squeeze Back (May 16, 2026)

"I'm okay", he whispers, groggily attempting to sit up on the floor. Kneeling next to him, your hand on his arm, you survey the dimly lit room like a detective. His record player and a stack of albums, the music that had propped up your lives all these years, broke the fall and prevented him from hitting his head. You tell him not to move, as he stubbornly insists on rising anyway.

With slow, steadying steps, he makes his way to the living room to await the emergency workers, with you following close behind, arms hovering outward, as if you could actually catch him if he fell again. >>> CONTINUE

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UnBecoming Part 3.2 - 911: The Sound Before the Fall (May 15, 2026)

God. God. God. You begin to hear the Name of God inside, even as your mom's cry joins your own, it's as if God is calling you, crying out to you from the depths of you, calming you, stilling you, and yet carrying you out of your childhood bedroom, out of that boat, and onto the water of the hallway. It felt a mile long. His legs looked lifeless and still; the moment stood still. Was this that moment? CONTINUE...

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UnBecoming Part 3 - The Hallway. (May 14, 2026)

You look over at the light streaming in through your bedroom window. It's not the soft light of the moon; it's artificial light. Street lights. You're not home, you're back home. In the same twin bed you slept in during high school, watching the same trees dance in the wind, the same shadows play on the same hardwood floors you played on, talked on the phone in circles on, those floors have witnessed you.

And now you kneel on them. You pray on them, whispering down toward them, you walk in tight circles on them, not on a call, but as a form of meditation, feeling God's Love in every step. Calling His Name with every step. Asking to be shown, to be provided the next step- whether to divorce or not. Whether to move or not? To the beach, perhaps.

You're conflicted. But the floor is not. The room is not. It's bare. It's clean. It's small, but tidy. You can hear yourself think here, even as you are trying to get out to that place beyond thoughts, where the real answers come from. The Peace you feel as you listen past your thoughts and look over their shoulders, brings about sleep.

Just as you drift, you are startled awake. Was that a crash? Did something fall? Did someone fall? You listen… for the children. For your parents. Acute. Aware. It was nothing. You soften back into the mattress, resting on your back, not yet asleep again,

CRASH.

Definitely something that time. Definitely someone. Your heart rate rises faster than you can. You jump up, grabbing your phone with shaky hands, instinctively yelling, 'DAD!' the one you worry about the most. The one you've called on the most. The one who understands. Before you can even enter the hall, you see his feet sticking out of his door. God. >>>> UNBECOMING.

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UnBecoming Part 2.3 - No Brakes. (May 13, 2026)

In a haze of "what if" thoughts, you make your way across the parking lot to your car. A safe haven. You lock the door, depress the brake, and push the start button just to get the air flowing. You notice that despite the fearful thoughts, the Name is still flowing inside, like two competing radio stations. Your attention is torn, a war between the flesh and the spirit.

You try to give your attention to the Name, to the Love, to His Presence, but you watch yourself reach for your phone. You are aware that this is not what you want to be doing, yet you watch as your fingers swipe to Safari, then to Google, and begin typing words related to the doctor’s visit and potential findings. CONTINUE...

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