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I tried to make a Christmas song. The more i listen, the less i like it.

LYRICS:

I'm not gonna yell at my kids today

unless they do something i don't like

it's christmas time

i'm not gonna do amphetamines

unless i get really really tired

i'm christmas high

And when it feels like i don't have much to give

There's one thing i can give to you

It's the gift of giving

Up.

I'm not gonna talk about politics

unless i wanna start a fight with my family at the dinner table

it's christmas dinner

I ain't gonna drink no alcohol

unless i've got some emotions i'm not completely prepared to process

christmas (CHRISTMAS!)

wooh

And when it feels like i don't have much to give

There's one thing i can give to you

It's the gift of giving

Up.

I'm gonna give my father something nice this year

maybe some singing lessons, or some therapy

So he can learn to manage his anger problems

And unrealistic expectations of what life should be.

Or maybe just some cool socks.

I promise not to be a total shit this year

we'll eat us a wicked dinner, and make a decent toast

Pappa's gonna wear his Nicholas Cage track suit

And we'll hug all of the people that we love the most

except for that stinky cousin

And when it feels like christmas

christmas

there's one thing i can christmas

it's the gift

of christmas.

up.

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This show has won no awards and probably won't. But there will be:

music,

and ants,

and heaven,

and sudoku,

and stuff like that.

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shit, i don't even know.

there's cats,

and mariachi,

and a birthday,

and linguistics,

and a concerning amount of sex sounds.

i dunno...

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let's see...

guns.

cats.

dogs.

humans that lack the dignity of cats and dogs.

kayaking.

ghost hunting in the age of "dear god, you can't actually be this stupid."

surprisingly little yelling.

recorded before Kirk was shot, released well after.

not changing a thing.

• Todd

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I'm back!

tiger woods et al.

i barf radio

prideful bbq

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Still aging, so that's good, right?

Language: a little learning is a dangerous thing.

I forget what else is in this episode, but it probably ain't good.

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Easter.

The Spa.

Drunk DMs to (former) neo-nazis.

Drunk emails to toilet manufacturers.

America losing its goddamn mind

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