Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky is one of the world’s leading scientific authorities on happiness and human flourishing. A Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside, she has spent nearly four decades investigating what makes people happy, how well-being can be sustainably improved, and why our relationships matter so profoundly. Her influential research has helped establish the modern science of happiness, bridging rigorous experimental psychology with questions at the heart of human life: how we connect, how we love, and how we build lives of meaning and well-being. She is the author of several internationally recognised books, including The How of Happiness and, most recently, How to Feel Loved. We spend enormous amounts of time trying to become more lovable, more successful, attractive, accomplished and impressive, yet these qualities may earn us admiration without making us feel genuinely loved. That is the paradox at the heart of this episode. That is, you can be loved by the people around you and still struggle to experience that love. This matters because research has consistently shown that the quality of our relationships is one of the strongest foundations of happiness, yet many of the strategies we use to secure connection may inadvertently keep people at a distance. Sonja Lyubomirsky explains what decades of psychological research can teach us about closing this gap. This includes; how to become genuinely known rather than merely admired, listen in ways that make people feel seen, use curiosity to deepen connection, navigate vulnerability without oversharing, and ultimately change the everyday conversations through which love is given, received and felt.

Timestamps:

00:00 — Why can we be loved but not feel loved?

03:26 — Why relationships are the key to happiness

05:58 — The danger of trying to become more lovable

08:13 — Is self-improvement a form of emotional avoidance?

09:25 — Why success and admiration cannot create connection

11:28 — The barriers we build against love

12:45 — Are successful people more vulnerable to the “lovability trap”?

14:21 — What makes someone feel truly seen?

15:52 — The relationship seesaw

18:38 — Why small bids for connection matter

20:24 — The power of radical curiosity

22:32 — Questions that create deeper conversations

24:50 — How to recognise genuine curiosity

26:07 — Psychological safety in relationships

26:42 — How to listen to learn

28:08 — Why giving advice can get in the way

30:42 — The power of “Tell me more”

31:24 — Vulnerability without oversharing

34:47 — Does vulnerability create trust?

36:22 — Can relationships heal heartbreak?

38:06 — Loving the whole, complicated person

40:56 — Is love about truly understanding someone?

42:09 — How our past can prevent us from receiving love

43:23 — What if you fundamentally believe you are unlovable?

45:11 — How parents can make children feel loved

47:31 — Can AI make us feel more loved than humans?

50:01 — What humans can offer that AI cannot

Connect with Sonja:

How to Feel Loved Book - https://howtofeelloved.com

5 Mindsets Quiz: https://tally.so/r/Pd1l0d

Website: https://sonjalyubomirsky.com

Academic work: https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=CNFj4ZsAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao

Professor George A. Bonanno is Professor of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University and one of the world's leading researchers on trauma, bereavement and psychological resilience. Over the past three decades, his research has challenged long-standing assumptions about how people respond to adversity, showing that resilience is often the most common outcome following bereavement, disaster and other potentially traumatic events. His work has had a major influence on research into trauma, grief, resilience and psychological adaptation.In this conversation, we explore why most people recover after adversity, why trauma is not synonymous with the event itself, and how popular ideas about grief, hidden trauma and resilience often diverge from the evidence. George explains the four trajectories of recovery, the limitations of resilience questionnaires, why there is no universal "right" way to cope, and introduces his research on psychological flexibility as the key to adaptation. We also discuss The Body Keeps the Score, the Five Stages of Grief, why averages can mislead psychological science, how clinicians can avoid inadvertently causing harm, and what future generations may find hardest to believe about today's understanding of mental health.00:00 – Introduction01:57 – Why psychology became fascinated by trauma03:55 – Why "potentially traumatic event" changes everything08:20 – The four trajectories of recovery11:30 – Supporting people without assuming damage14:12 – The truth about the Five Stages of Grief22:10 – Hidden trauma, concept creep & The Body Keeps the Score27:59 – Why averages can mislead psychology31:00 – Discovering resilience through longitudinal research38:15 – What measuring people before adversity revealed42:59 – The resilience paradox50:45 – Why resilience questionnaires don't measure resilience54:11 – There is no universally healthy coping strategy58:08 – When avoidance is actually adaptive59:37 – What future psychologists will think we got wrongConnect with us: https://freedompact.co.uk/newsletter​ (Healthy, Wealthy & Wise Newsletter)https://www.Instagram.com/freedompactpodhttps://www.twitter.com/freedompactpod Email: freedompact@gmail.com (business enquiries, guest suggestions, appreciation, feedback, and anything else)Connect with George:https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=biNsmj8AAAAJ&hl=en (George's publications)https://sites.google.com/view/georgeabonanno?usp=sharing (George's website)Buy The End of Trauma: (https://sites.google.com/view/georgeabonanno/books/the-end-of-trauma?authuser=0) Please note: we do not receive any commission from book sales and are not affiliated with the publisher or author beyond hosting this conversation.Disclaimer: The Freedom Pact Podcast is provided for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to constitute, nor should it be relied upon as, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or the podcast. Listeners should not disregard, delay, or substitute professional medical advice because of information discussed on the podcast or associated materials.

Born country boy and farmer, with a longing for God, John Butler has led an extraordinarily interesting but largely unknown life, recorded only in notes, diaries, letters etc which, for many years lay, half-forgotten in the cupboard - until he published his first books, ‘Wonders of Spiritual Unfoldment’ in 2008 at the age of 71, and ‘Mystic Approaches’ in 2012. Unexpectedly, in 2017, he was interviewed on Conscious TV which, to his surprise, was well received. Encouraged to make further videos, John launched the Youtube channel, ‘Spiritual Unfoldment.'Timestamps:

00:00 The Biggest Truth About Being Human

01:49 Why the Search Never Ends

05:17 The Unexpected Gift of Growing Older

09:42 What Silence Reveals About Consciousness

14:51 The One Thing That's Always With You

17:18 Why Most People Struggle to Sit Alone

21:07 Why More Money Doesn't Mean More Happiness

24:29 The Meaning of Real Love

27:56 Why Relationships Can't Complete You

30:07 Escaping the Ego

34:09 What Death Really Means

38:28 The Secret to Letting Go of Regret

42:21 What Makes Life Worth Living?

43:50 Final ThoughtsConnect with us:

https://freedompact.co.uk/newsletter​ (Healthy, Wealthy & Wise Newsletter)

https://www.Instagram.com/freedompact

https://www.twitter.com/freedompactpod

Email: freedompact@gmail.com (business enquiries, guest suggestions, appreciation, feedback, and anything else!)