Welcome back to Eavesdrop, the show where the mic is on, and Kevin and I say things we probably shouldn’t.

This time we brought a whole deck of conspiracy theories about money and power. Kevin was fine going in. He said he wasn’t sure he’d be fine coming out.

We started strong. Kevin still remembers exactly where he was when Macron got slapped on a plane, the way other people remember the moon landing. Then he came up with his own cover story for when things get awkward. He’s a lizard person sent to slow down the missiles in Iran. He says it’s been going great.

After that it got serious, sort of. Are all wars bankers’ wars? Kevin thinks Trump’s strategy is to ask for something completely ridiculous like Greenland, wait while everyone tries to figure out why he’s such a moron, and then walk away with what he actually wanted. He rates it “well played, if it was a board game.” I disagree, and I brought Professor Jiang theory that the Iran war isn’t meant to be won, it’s meant to last.

I also dug up my own master’s thesis from 2003. In Finland. The topic was how governments use military force to fix their budget problems. Jeffrey Sacks inspired me back then, Apparently I’ve been in the conspiracy business for 23 years and didn’t know it.

Some other highlights.

Why is Bulgaria on the list and Saudi Arabia isn’t? Kevin answered in one word. Money.

Europe just finished its 22nd sanctions package against Russia. Thank God, because the first 21 worked so well. Number 23 is already in the works.

Kevin has thoughts on the EU bottle caps that won’t come off. He travels to other countries now, opens a bottle, and wonders what third world place doesn’t have this figured out yet.

There’s the story of 4 Navy SEALs with ray guns that froze Maduro’s 200 guards in place and made them sick. Kevin knows it’s nonsense. He still felt patriotic for about half a second, and he’s a little embarrassed about it. His advice is to buy dollars, because nobody wants the ray gun guys showing up.

I came up with my own conspiracy theory live on air, tech bros versus bankers in a fight over who gets to print money. Trademark pending.

Then we asked whether democracy was a scam from the start. Kevin voted for a benevolent kingdom, or maybe letting a machine pick who’s in charge. He also thinks if there were an interspecies Olympics for messing things up, humans would take gold every 4 years.

And we finished with “own nothing and be happy.” Our version is own debt and pretend to be happy. Kevin read that people in their 20s don’t want pets anymore, they want plants, because plants are easier. So now somebody is buying a ficus on a 6 month payment plan and it dies in week 6.

Next time we might bring a Gen Z guest on, disguise their voice like on those old investigative TV shows, and argue with them for an hour.

The mic is on. Come eavesdrop.