It is Steve’s birthday, it is nearly Jen’s birthday, and it is the tenth anniversary of the bachelor party where Trevor met a guy named Ralph in a casino bathroom. It is also the week Jen’s computer decided to overheat, freeze, zoom in to unflattering HD, and restart, which she accepted with more grace than any of this deserved.

Carnival announced that starting December 1st, standalone beverage packages and Wi-Fi plans move to dynamic pricing — prices will vary by sailing length, itinerary, and season, which means the price your friend posted online is not necessarily your price. Announced alongside it: FunPacks, new bundles pitching up to 55% off when you combine drinks and Wi-Fi. The crew called the strategy correctly before anyone read the press release: the standalone prices float, the bundles are the funnel. They also have questions nobody has answered yet, like what happens if the package you booked a year out gets cheaper, and whether individual drink prices are next.

Carnival is also halving its Australian fleet. Carnival Luminosa makes her final Sydney departure March 15th, 2028, and Carnival Adventure follows on the 20th and will not return — reporting points to cost and regulatory uncertainty in the market. Splendor and Encounter stay year-round from Sydney. The crew, having no other suspects, blames Tim.

In the news desk’s weirder half: a man returning to Port Tampa Bay from Cozumel was arrested after 545 pills and roughly $27,000 in cash turned up in his luggage — pills and cash he had voluntarily written down on a customs declaration form. And a 44-year-old passenger who went overboard from Odyssey of the Seas in the Ionian Sea was found alive roughly 20 hours later, spotted by a passing cargo ship because of the flashing light on her life jacket — the one piece of muster-drill equipment nobody pays attention to. She was taken for medical and psychological evaluation.

Plus: the craziest souvenirs they’ve smuggled home, including a stone dagger that doesn’t read as metal; Tim calls in twice, once from the Ocean Plaza with a Bloody Mary and once from the steakhouse with a cowboy ribeye, purely so we’d know; the elusive ship-on-a-stick that none of them have ever won; an elephant sanctuary in Hugo, Oklahoma that will wake you up personally; and Trevor’s confident explanation of which country uses the metric system, which Tom disclaims in real time.

74 days until Jen heads for the Panama Canal.

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Anything you do or say on a ship will remain forever.

Jenn is away, which means Trevor and Thomas have been left unsupervised. Naturally, a conversation about cruise bargains ends with a hypothetical spider rescue mission.

This week, we break down Margaritaville at Sea’s annual cruise pass and its fine print—then ask the big question: would you pay $4,000 for a similar pass from Carnival? It’s our imaginary offer, but the debate is very real.

We also talk Panama Canal sailings, bucket list destinations, and the questionable decisions we’ve made trying to cruise on a budget. Think cheap Galveston motels, exhausting overnight drives, and an alligator sighting Trevor still can’t confirm.

Meanwhile, listener Tim checks in from Tokyo DisneySea, explains why traveling with suitcases has him craving a cruise, and introduces Trevor to an entirely new reason to fear Australia. Steven gets another birthday shout-out, and absent Jenn gets exactly as much sympathy as you’d expect.

Would you buy an annual Carnival cruise pass? Tell us what price—and what restrictions—you could live with!

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🚢 FRGC 4, September 2026, is in the books! Cruise with us on our next adventure—contact Amanda Barmore with Have Luggage Will Travel.

Remember: anything that happens on the ship stays on YouTube.

Title: Sake Happens: The FRGC 4 Afterparty!

Description:

An oversized bottle of sake, a Family Feud team name that needed censoring, and a search party for Trevor. Yep—we’re back from FRGC 4, and the stories deserve their own afterparty!

Trevor, Thomas, and Jenn reunite to unpack eight days of Carnival cruising chaos, including Celebration Key cabanas, exploring Half Moon Cay, and a spa elevator shortcut Trevor probably should’ve kept secret. Thomas shares his Family Feud experience and his verdict on the Zero Proof package, while Trevor explains how teppanyaki dinner became a slightly blurry adventure.

Plus: honest food reviews, glittery mocktails, missing door magnets, sea turtles, and the adventures of “Flat Jenn”—because leaving the real Jenn at home didn’t mean she could escape our nonsense.

We also talk FRGC 5 and a pricing mix-up that made the next group cruise look twice as expensive. Contact Amanda for the details before selling a kidney!

And before we forget: Happy birthday, Steven!

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🚢 Cruise With us on FRGC 4, September 2026 - Contact Amanda Barmore with Have Luggage Will Travel https://flow.page/haveluggagewilltravel
FRGC 4 is now in the books—contact Amanda about joining the next adventure on FRGC 5!

Remember: anything that happens on the ship stays on YouTube.

Trevor has declared this a spider-free episode. It does not stay a spider-free episode.

Carnival Tropicale opened for booking this week — the last Excel-class ship, arriving in Galveston in 2028, which gives Galveston two Excel ships and gives Carnival a reason to finally do something different. Tropicale drops BOLT entirely in favor of Sun Station Point, a new zone anchored by Carnival WaterWorks Ultra, a multi-level water park. (The first Ace-class ship, Carnival Destiny, comes after.) Meanwhile Royal Caribbean's Quantum of the Seas debuted a dramatic new cascading waterfall down the midship stairs on deck five, which was in fact a burst pipe in the men's room, and which they fixed quickly and quietly.

Less funny for the people involved: Royal Caribbean cancelled a Serenade of the Seas Alaska sailing after guests had been aboard in Vancouver for three days without ever leaving port — full refund, 100% future cruise credit, and up to $400 in airfare. And Norwegian Aura, NCL's largest ship ever, caught fire during construction in Italy. More smoke than blaze, but the crew runs the depressing roll call of ships that have burned before her.

Also: a man ran a marathon every single day of his Princess cruise — seven marathons, 186 miles, six hours for the Rome one because he kept stopping for photos — which the crew agrees is a crime against the entire concept of cruising. A viral video of a woman who paid $1,100 for her half of a $500 cruise, and the roommate who has now been located. Tim calls in from Australia with the real story on why Carnival Encounter can't get into Cairns, an open invitation for Trevor (and pointedly not the other two), and a Japan trip before his own sailing. Bobby writes in to ask what the warning label on Trevor's life would say. And Jen quietly passes two years on the show, making her the longest-running third wheel in cruising podcast history.

Next week's episode comes to you raw, unedited, and possibly unhinged — the boys are on the Jubilee.

8 days to the Jubilee. 109 days to Jen's next cruise. 358 days to FRGC5 aboard Allure of the Seas.

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Anything you do or say on a ship will remain forever.

Fifteen days out and the Golden Crew is fully unraveling. Tom is convinced Trevor and Jen are colluding against him, Jen discovers her Status Progress says "Red," and Trevor sets a 10:50 PM alarm for the first time in his adult life just to be first through online check-in.

The new Carnival Rewards program went live and the internet lost its mind — Platinum members logging in to find zero points and a "Status Progress: Gold" banner, Diamonds wondering if they'd been demoted, and the crew works through what the screen actually means (spoiler: almost everyone is reading it wrong). What genuinely did go away: the loyalty gift and the past guest reunion party. On the plus side, the Carnival Mastercard now earns three points per dollar on most onboard purchases, credited at the end of each sailing — which Trevor calculates will make Megan Diamond entirely through spa treatments.

In the news: Carnival Breeze traded some paint with the pier in Cozumel, leaving a dent, a dramatic video, and a narrator making it sound considerably worse than it was. Carnival Encounter dropped its Cairns call after the channel got too shallow to transit, affecting sailings in early September. And Carnival Dream is shuffling between piers 25 and 28 in Galveston due to port construction — worth knowing if you're parking.

Also: a social post of someone taking a Carnival shot glass into a Royal Caribbean embarkation, which the crew agrees is a branding problem and also a doing-56-miles-an-hour problem; Java Blue's free breakfast sandwiches; a full referendum on the maple bacon donut; whether Faster to the Fun is worth $250; the peg-leg-and-rubber-ducky plan for a Talk Like a Pirate Day embarkation; and Trevor's cautionary tale about Pizza Ranch fried chicken and the 17 gas stations between Kansas and Oklahoma City.

FRGC5 is officially on Royal Caribbean's Allure of the Seas.

15 days to FRGC4. 365 days to FRGC5. 116 days to the Panama Canal.

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Anything you do or say on a ship will remain forever.

Two weeks in a row! Jen made it through a whole episode, mostly, and only got mad about the cruise she isn't going on. Trevor is one week from check-in, Tom did not post Flat Jen, and there are consequences coming for that.

John Heald had to remind everyone on Facebook that crew members are not permitted to accept homemade food — sealed and packaged is fine, mystery Tupperware is not — and the crew debates whether this is a health-code thing or a those brownies were loaded thing. He also addressed the rumor about Guy's Burger Joint extending hours, which is currently a test on Carnival Conquest only. Princess is now charging for the Medallion to be mailed to you, though there's a free option at the terminal they'd prefer you forget. Carnival is partnering with Sneaker Impact to give the roughly 50,000 pairs of shoes guests leave behind each year to communities that need footwear — with worn-out pairs ground down and turned into yoga mats — which immediately becomes a plan to fill a backpack at Goodwill before the Jubilee.

The hard news: a joint task force has removed dozens of crew members across multiple ships at U.S. ports of entry this year over child sexual abuse material found during device and quarter searches — 11 in Boston in August, 27 detained in San Diego earlier this year, and more in San Juan. Most were processed as immigration removals rather than federal charges, which raises real questions about how international crew are vetted through third-party labor agencies. We handle it straight.

Also: a debarkation fight caught on what were almost certainly Meta glasses, filmed by someone simultaneously reading their credit card number aloud; guests stranded ashore in Cabo for three hours when a tropical storm shut down tendering; and a nine-day river cruise from Tulsa to Memphis launching in 2029 at $5,200 per person, which Trevor priced out at roughly five Carnival cruises.

This week we also lost Dolly Parton and Tim Curry. Jen said it best.

23 days to FRGC4. 124 days to the Panama Canal.

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Anything you do or say on a ship will remain forever.

Jen's back from jury duty, which she insists was more important than this show (it was), and she has strong opinions about a burrito in downtown Stockton. In her absence, Trevor and Tom recorded an episode with seven guests — John Heald, Britney Spears, Taylor Swift, Dog the Bounty Hunter — and then refused to release it out of spite. You'll have to take their word for it.

On the actual news desk: Princess is moving final payment on longer sailings from 90 days out to 120, with deposits climbing to $250 for standard staterooms ($500 per person on 10-plus-day sailings) and the cancellation schedule shifting so a 100% fee kicks in at 60 days instead of 30 — and the crew debates whether Carnival and Royal follow suit. Carnival's Elegant Night is being swapped for White Hot Night on select cruises of five days or less, which Tom explains and Trevor immediately makes weird. And on August 17th, Carnival Valor made an emergency maneuver on the Mississippi to avoid a cargo ship that had lost power in the channel — dumping water out of the pool at four in the morning and causing minor injuries. Unconfirmed reports suggest Vin Diesel was at the helm.

Also discussed: a Miami jury finding Carnival 60% at fault and awarding $300,000 to a California nurse who was served 14 shots of tequila before falling down a staircase; the boys' weight loss check-in (22 pounds and 33 pounds, respectively); an office dog who became Trevor's best friend for the price of one piece of beef jerky; and Jesse's listener question about FRGC4 plans — cabanas at Celebration Key, and yes, embarkation day is Talk Like a Pirate Day, with the Galveston Pirate Festival the night before. Bring your colander.

31 days to FRGC4. 379 days to FRGC5.

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Anything you do or say on a ship will remain forever.

Jen's back! After a Day One that ended with a Cartman GIF and a "screw you guys, I'm going home," the Golden Crew is finally three-strong again — and immediately gets distracted by Christmas trees in August, a heart-having cat named Flinty, and Trevor's alleged palace of multiple living rooms.

Then, actual cruise news: Carnival Pride is testing Jotun's Hull Skater, a robot that crawls the ship's hull scraping off slime and barnacles (basically a Roomba with a job, and the crew has thoughts about adding a saw). Norwegian reveals Great Tides Water Park at Great Stirrup Cay — 19 water slides, the Caribbean's only four-person body slide, and Cliffside Cove with 10- and 15-foot jumps, welcoming its first guests September 4th. Bare Necessities brings the Big Nude Boat back to PortMiami in February 2027 aboard Norwegian Jewel: 11 days, zero tan lines, towels mandatory on all surfaces. And at Perfect Day at CocoCay, a forklift and a departing Wonder of the Seas had a disagreement that ended with a gangway at the bottom of the ocean — sparking a full business plan involving magnet fishing, retirement in Key West, and reselling gangways at a premium.

Also: hook magnets are the real MVP of an Alaska cruise, and Alaska is somehow 80 degrees right now.

43 days to FRGC4. 393 days to FRGC5.

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Anything you do or say on a ship will remain forever.