Before you gorge me

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Before you gorge me

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Okay, so before you judge me, just know that everything I’m about to say is 100% true… except for maybe 15%, but it’s the believable 15%, so we’re good. Let’s begin. It all started when my cat—Mittens—stopped making eye contact with me. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “She’s a cat. That’s just... being a cat.”
But no. This was different. This wasn’t "I’m ignoring you because I’m a diva" energy. This was "I’ve seen things and transcended your human foolishness" energy. Then the weird behavior started. She began sitting in circles. Literal chalk circles. I didn’t draw them.
I woke up one morning, went to the kitchen, and found her sitting in the center of a perfect chalk circle like she was summoning something. I was like, “Mittens? Girl? Are we doing a séance? Should I bring snacks?” [SPOOKY SOUND EFFECT] Then came the chanting. At first I thought it was just weird meowing. But then I listened closely… and it sounded like Latin. LATIN.
My cat was either possessed or studying dead languages on Duolingo while I was at work. So obviously, I did what any responsible pet owner would do:
I Googled “cat acting weird, possible cult activity.” Shockingly, no useful results. Just Reddit threads and one lady who claimed her Pomeranian was a reincarnated Viking. [BEAT] Then things got real. One night, I walk in and find Mittens sitting with three neighborhood cats in a circle, each with a tiny candle in front of them. And I SWEAR TO YOU…
One of them had a tiny hooded cloak. Not even joking. Someone out there is hand-sewing robes for feline rituals. Etsy is wild. So at this point, I figure—I’m already in it. Time to join. I grab a candle. Sit in the circle.
Look Mittens dead in her third-eye chakra and say: “Mittens, my sweet, slightly possessed angel… if you’re trying to summon something, can it please be a higher credit score or pizza delivery?” She blinked slowly. The room got cold. My Alexa turned on by itself and started playing Gregorian chant remixes. [MUSIC STING – GREGORIAN REMIX?] And that’s when I knew. My cat didn’t just join a cult. She started it. And I... was now just a follower. [OUTRO MUSIC – light and silly] So yeah. Moral of the story? If your pet starts chanting in Latin...
Just let them lead.

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