If you’ve tried every strategy, consequence, or reward and nothing seems to help your child, the problem isn't that you haven't found the right technique. In this episode, we explore why traditional parenting fails for the Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) profile and how shifting to a safety-led, low-demand approach changes everything.

Episode Summary:

Join Chantal Hewitt—AuDHD PDAer and parent—as she unpacks the essential move from "managing behavior" to "prioritizing the nervous system." We dive deep into the power of declarative language and why "safety-led parenting" is the opposite of being permissive. If you are navigating school refusal, autism meltdowns, or extreme demand avoidance, this episode offers the grounded, practical reframes you need to move toward connection.

In this episode, we cover:

• The Problem with Compliance: Why traditional rewards and consequences often trigger a "threat response" in PDA children.
• Safety vs. Permissiveness: Debunking the myth that low-demand parenting is "lazy" parenting.
• Declarative Language 101: How simple shifts in how you speak can reduce pressure and invite collaboration.
• The 24-Hour Child: Understanding that your child's needs don't stop when they leave the house or the classroom.
• Co-Regulation as a Tool: Moving away from "fixing" behavior and toward being a steady anchor for your child.

Resources & Links

✨ Join the Raising PDA Community: Join the VIP Waitlist for a special discount when we open again in March 2026!

✨ Free PDA Language Guide: Download the Low-Demand Language Guide — This walks you through the exact shifts mentioned in today's episode.

✨ 1:1 Support: Enquire about my limited-space 8-week coaching programme at chantalhewitt.com/support.

✨ Connect with me: * YouTube: @chantal.hewitt

• Email: hello@chantalhewitt.com

If this episode helped you, please rate the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify—it helps more PDA families find this support!

Text me and tell me- What do you want to hear for future episodes?

Support the show

✨ Raising PDA Community: Join the VIP Waitlist for an exclusive discount when we open again in March 2026!

✨ Free PDA Language Guide: FREE GUIDE

About the Show: Chantal Hewitt provides neuroaffirming strategies for Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and Autism. We help families navigate autistic burnout, family wellbeing and sibling dynamics, challenging behaviour, school refusal and autism meltdowns using low-demand parenting.

Watch on Youtube! 📺 @chantal.hewitt

If your PDA autistic child copes at school but falls apart at home, this isn’t a failure — it’s a sign they finally feel safe.

In this episode, I explore how masking in PDA and autistic children allows them to “hold it together” all day — and why that comes at such a high cost to their nervous system and wellbeing.

If you’ve ever been told your child is “fine” at school while you’re holding the emotional aftermath at home, this conversation is for you. I unpack why many PDA autistic children cope in structured, neurotypical environments, only to unravel once they’re with the person they feel safest with.

We talk about what masking really is, why PDA children are often high maskers, and how behaviour-based frameworks in schools can completely miss a child’s internal experience. What looks like resilience or good behaviour from the outside is often survival — and it can lead to anxiety, burnout, and emotional overload.

I also explore why home becomes the place where everything spills out, why this isn’t caused by “bad behaviour” or poor parenting, and why advocacy becomes unavoidable for parents of PDA autistic children — even when we’re exhausted.

This episode invites a gentle shift away from “Why does my child behave worse with me?” and towards “What have they been holding in all day?” — and why nervous-system-led, autonomy-supportive approaches matter for long-term wellbeing.

Key takeaways / shifts

• Masking is a nervous system survival response — not a choice
• PDA children often cope all day, then collapse where they feel safest
• Behavioural frameworks miss what’s happening internally
• Advocacy is not optional when systems don’t understand PDA
• Increased autonomy and reduced demand support real wellbeing

If this episode supported you, I’d love you to follow along and leave a rating — it helps other parents find this support. You’re also warmly invited to share your experience in the comments or connect with other parents walking this path.

If this resonates, you’re not alone — and calmer, more connected homes are possible.

And head to chantalhewitt.com/pda to download your FREE PDA Language Guide x

Text me and tell me- What do you want to hear for future episodes?

Support the show

✨ If you’re looking for deeper, personalised PDA parenting support, you can enquire about my limited-space 1:1, 8-week coaching programme at chantalhewitt.com/support.

✨ Download my free guides

Early Autism Signs Guide → CLICK HERE
Calm Parent Checklist → CLICK HERE
PDA Parenting Guide → CLICK HERE

✨ Connect with me on YouTube @chantal.hewitt

Reach out if you need anything- Say hello, share your story :) → hello@chantalhewitt.com

Chantal x

If PDA parenting feels harder than anything you were prepared for, I want you to hear this clearly: you are not failing.

In this episode of the Attuned Spectrum Podcast, I explain why PDA, or Pathological Demand Avoidance, is not a behavioural issue — it is a nervous system response. For PDA autistic children, refusal, control, and what is often called “equalising behaviour” are survival strategies used to restore safety when demands feel overwhelming.

I break down why traditional parenting advice so often backfires in PDA autism parenting, especially approaches based on compliance, rewards, consequences, or reasoning in the moment. These strategies can unintentionally increase threat in a PDA child’s nervous system rather than reduce it.

Using real examples from my own home, I share how even well-intended questions or suggestions can push a PDA child into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn — and why autonomy and felt safety must come first. We also start to explore why many PDA children hold it together all day and then fall apart at home, and why this isn’t a sign of failure, but of trust and co-regulation.

In this episode, we explore:

• PDA parenting through a nervous-system lens
• Why PDA refusals are not choices or manipulation
• What “equalising” means in PDA autism
• Why safety builds capacity over time

Text me and tell me- What do you want to hear for future episodes?

Support the show

✨ If you’re looking for deeper, personalised PDA parenting support, you can enquire about my limited-space 1:1, 8-week coaching programme at chantalhewitt.com/support.

✨ Download my free guides

Early Signs Guide → CLICK HERE
Calm Parent Checklist → CLICK HERE
PDA Parenting Guide → CLICK HERE

✨ Connect with me on Instagram, TikTok & YouTube @chantal.hewitt

Reach out if you need anything- Say hello, share your story :) → hello@chantalhewitt.com

Chantal x