7 Autistic Decades. I'm Still Driven. What If I NEVER Get “There...”? copertina

7 Autistic Decades. I'm Still Driven. What If I NEVER Get “There...”?

7 Autistic Decades. I'm Still Driven. What If I NEVER Get “There...”?

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 Still driven to matter. Desperately. Almost 73. And I can’t unwind… busted springs, broken dancer in a jewel box. This piece isn’t an answer. It’s an accusation. And underneath? A terrified question I can’t stop asking.Is listening more your thing? Hit the headphone icon 🎧 on the player above. Or pick your app: Apple, Spotify, Overcast, YouTube.{Music} IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. One autistic elder’s truth. I’m Johnny Profane.Content Note: language, psych ward experiences, childhood sexual & emotional abuse, intergenerational family harm + opinions & experiences of one autistic elder. It’s everywhere. Every where I go anyways.I’m chatting with this young professional couple ahead of me in a line. Maybe, grad students…? This long, Walmart self-checkout is just brimming with fresh faces this August.There’s an awkward break… like always in these in-line chats. Like we’re para-neighbors or something.So… I’ve gotten used to a little stimming while I wait. In the silence, I arch my back backwards then I drop my head toward the floor… Breathe out, relax, straighten up, and…They’re staring. Four eyes blinking through glasses. Two mouths open.I… I… think a moment. Running through possible causes for those gawking faces. Then, I get it.“Oh… Oh that.” I slip into my little canned moment. “Ya see, I’m autistic. I know. I don’t look like autistic. I’m old.” [Chuckle.] “But if I say… or do something… that seems, well, odd? Just let me know.”You could see it instantly. I went from bizarre, possibly fiercesome alien to… cute, harmless, possibly lovable, old oddball.A blink or two… from each. The guy, in the designer hoodie, waves back and forth between himself and the young woman. “Oh, we get it.” A bit more waving. “We love ‘Love on the Spectrum.’ Never miss it.”To my credit, I manage a… thin smile, with a little mock hand-waving and a quiet, “Yeah, doggie.”Shortly, they leave the store, waving back at me. And I wave back. It’s more like they have a cute para-social crush on an idea… of autism.But I’m thinking…That show… and that couple’s genuine attempt to connect? They’re something… for now. I guess… But I’ve been obsessing about stereotypes lately.Like everybody suddenly knows the real me cuz they read an article on Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism…TV viewers? None of them know me. It’s more like they have a cute para-social crush on an idea… of autism.I try to bear in mind I may be going through a phase ... [laffs]But…I am autistic + ADHD here. Turning 73, come June. I want you to know this reality… my personal reality. But shared by too many other neurodivergents.I’ll never know what it means to grow up withoutsensory, physical, emotional, and sexual trauma from…family, teachers, playmates, care-taking professionals,the occasional stranger.I’ll never know a life without repeated psych ward stays.So… it just may not be autism that blocks my dreams… Ya know?Just stick a pin in that thought for a moment. We’ll circle back, after a bit… after I speak my piece…“What… would I be… then…?”Like most humans, I grapple with dreams… I will never realize in this life... nearing its end. Dreams that wind my clock.The biggest? The gut-wrenching need to matter... Less noble? My yearning for fame & recognition. I fear letting that dream go.Cuz what… would I be… then...?This piece isn’t an answer. It’s an accusation. And I can guaran-damn-tee you it’ll never stream on Netflix.I call it…LETTING GOBeing born left its markThat’s how I came to fear the dark...Far back as i know I fear letting goAlways scouting for that shortcutI fear letting goCareening towards god knows whatFearing letting goDark lightning in my gutFrom fear of letting go Letting goLetting goGod i need To let go… Everybody knowsI need to let go.All life longDrempt damned dreams The kind that get you reborn,To be big, to be… known.As this long life, this dream… endsI fear letting goCuz what would I… be… then?Been saying latelyGot to unwind… Twist.Got the heart… not the chopsI got to unwindUnwind… Twist.Need a dream detoxGot to unwind Un Wind… Twist.Click…Busted springs andBroken dancer in a jewel box. Good gawd almightyI gots to unwind.Sleepwalking in the moist dark nightA toddler memory, I feared a lightShadowed crack under mommy’s doorGroans, cries, sighs… moreThen...Turning a knob on forbidden sightDaddy’s rage, a parasiteCrawling… gnawing my insides That night I first feared the light.Black thunder in a winter stormI fear the trembling lightMantra falling in a mind at warTerrified of that lightFear that lightFear that lightI fear that lightMore than psych ward nightI fear that blinding lightBeing born left its markThat’s how I came to fear the dark...But waking, startled, late in lifeI came to cower… at ...
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