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A listener posted a question in our free TWFO Facebook community that I’ve heard a hundred times in recovery spaces: “You have to separate the person from the addiction. That wasn’t them.” And I get why people love that line. It reduces shame, makes forgiveness feel possible, and gives families hope.

But for a lot of spouses and partners, something about it doesn’t sit right… because they’ve seen the “good version” and the “destructive version” show up in the same human body, sometimes in the same day. So in this episode, I unpack the pros and cons of “separating the person from the addiction,” and why I think the truth is more nuanced, more uncomfortable, and more useful.

We talk about influence vs choice, why guilt still exists if “it wasn’t you,” how this narrative can accidentally silence the pain of the people who were harmed, and why sobriety alone is not the finish line. I’m not here to attack anyone’s path or shame anybody who’s used this framework to move forward. I’m here to hold compassion and truth at the same time, and offer a model of recovery that’s built on agency, humility, and real repair.

If you’re in recovery, this is a gut-check. If you’re a spouse or partner, this will validate why that phrase can feel like a mindf**k, and what a healthier, more honest version of healing can look like.

If you'd like to read the essay from the episode, you can find it here on our website.

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