In this bold and intimate memoir, Ariel Anderssen charts her journey from a strict religious upbringing as a Jehovah’s Witness to her current position as one of the most widely recognized BDSM performers in the world. Her route between the two includes a period as a wretchedly miserable, teenage political activist, a phase touring with a Christian theatre group, and accidentally discovering a talent for posing for art nude photography. This surprising and unconventional career path led her to a life-altering introduction to BDSM-themed erotic artwork and a whole world she never imagined existing.

This is a book about BDSM, and about sexuality, but most of all it is about one woman’s struggle for self-acceptance and the rewards that come from confronting who you are with honesty and compassion.

TRIGGER WARNING: this book contains descriptions of sexual violence that some listeners may find upsetting

"In Playing to Lose, Ariel Anderssen creates an erudite and witty insight into the world of BDSM modelling, but more than that, it is a deeply felt exploration of freedom: what it takes to be free, and what it looks like" (Ali Millar, author of The Last Days)

"Moving and heartfelt, an utterly brilliant whirlwind of a book" (Rebecca Reid, author of The Power of Rude)

"Often hilarious, frequently moving, sometimes disturbing and even harrowing, above all fearlessly honest, Playing to Lose guides us through a journey from repression to liberation that may well liberate the reader too. It’s a brave book by a brave writer, full of challenges and insights. Like all good writing, it makes us look again at things we thought we knew or took for granted, and to some readers it may reveal a world they never knew existed or one they hoped was real" (Ramsey Campbell, author of The Lonely Lands)